The Daily thoughts of Jellybean

Harry

2011-03-21T18:23:00.001-07:00

Today was a really emotional day at work. Everyday is pretty much an emotional day at work. I am a social worker in new york city. I work at an organization that is pretty well known for its community and family based approaches in counseling and casework. Sometimes I have to take a breath and realize where I am...what am I doing..who am I. I work with some really heavy cases and most of my cases are Chinese speaking families. Most of my Chinese families are undocumented immigrants who went through a really hard and harsh process to get to the US. All came to the US to seek for a better life. In reality, it is a lot more harder then they could have ever imagined.

There is this new book out called "Tiger Mom". I respect the book but the book is written from a very privileged background. The woman is a professor at Yale. The book is great but it is almost somewhat unreal for the community I serve. People are not forcing their children to practice for piano competitions. Most of my parents can't even afford anything other then basic needs and food. I can talk a whole night about this but I won't. Today I wanted to share about Harry (real name cannot be disclosed).

Harry is a 11 year old boy who is from Fuzhou, China. Harry came to the US a little more then a year ago. Harry was not born in the US but his parents left him with his grandparents in China and came to start a good life for Harry to come join them years later. Many Chinese families have such stories. Father came first and then mother came a few years later to the US. The week before Harry came to the US, he was diagnosed with a rare form of leukemia. The family was in shock but he still came all the way from China to the US- with nothing but a small suitcase and his new diagnosis.

When I first met Harry he was just sitting by the side of the bed in the bedroom, the only room the family rented from a house. The room had a big window that had big curtains on and just a simple dresser and a bed. Harry was quiet and did not talk much. Harry always had a little smile on his face. That was the first day when I started working with this family.

After a year of going to doctor visits and doing home visits with the family- on top of the other hardships the family had to go through with their younger son, who is completely blind and developmentally delayed. Harry always seemed to be observing the world go by and seemed to observe the hard realities of life around him. Harry had to be ok with his brother getting admitted to long term nursing facility where his parents never explained to him what happened. Harry had to be ok with his mother going back to China for almost 2 months and him staying with his aunt's family. Harry was use to silently observe the truths of the world but still continue to have a peaceful heart.

Today I had a session with Harry. Harry just recently got a spinal check and everything seems to be better. Harry came in and every time I see Harry, Harry seemed to be more and more opened to me- in sharing his thoughts and as always, honest. Harry came in and said that he is doing ok. I asked further and we got into some counseling moments. Harry shared about how he experienced pushing and bullying at school by children of other races. Harry mentioned that he chooses not to do anything and when he does tell the teacher, they do not do anything. This is so beyond frustrating to hear. Harry does not like to cause trouble. Harry then talked about how no one knows about his sickness in school and he would rather keep it that way or he is afraid that people will look at him differently. We started to explore what it means to be different. Harry shared that he thinks he is different, unique. Harry said, "sometimes I do not feel like I am here. I often feel like I am already dead and I am just floating in this world." I could not help but hold the tears in my eyes. He is only 11 years old...but the tremendous insight and expression...where did that come from? Harry then went on "I really want to create some wings, so I can fly. I often imagine that I am flying." We explored a bit about where he flies and when he flies. Again, still trying to keep the tears in my eyes and not let it flow. "Harry, you are different, unique. But your unique is a good kind of unique. I admire you because you have a lot of courage." I shared that with him today and we had a moment of silence.

This is Harry. Maybe next time we meet I can do some art therapy exercise in which we can draw those wings...those wings and imagine that we can fly.

Spring forward

2011-03-16T20:03:00.000-07:00

Wow!!! I have not written on this in so long. Thought it would be fun to start again as a way of processing my thoughts. I promise myself I need to be in bed soon at least every night by 11:30 pm I need to asleep so I can only write for 5 minutes. I am trying to get enough sleep because being a social worker requires a LOT of sleep so you can be prepped up for the next day. Also, social workers need a lot of GOD...encouragement, love, to keep on going. Praise God for an opportunity to speak into other people's lives. I have been in my job for almost 2 years and that for a 20 something is a big accomplishment! However, next step is definitely on my thoughts. I realized that in order to move forward, to pioneer...you have to learn how to let go of things that try to tear you down or keep you behind. I am starting to realize God's calling in having an apostolic giftings...the meaning. Thank you God that you still think I am worthy to be refined and worked on. So grateful for my wonderful family, amazing friends that God constantly reminds me that He is with me and He is in me. He dwells and lives.

Been thinking a lot about the Middle East and Japan...please keep them in your prayers!

Urbana 2009

2009-12-20T16:32:00.000-08:00

breakthrough on its way.

I want to be a Mary in a Martha world

2009-09-26T02:45:00.001-07:00

As I am at the Taiwan airport getting ready to leave home again for another journey back to New York- I can't help but say that God has shown me a lot in 2 weeks.

When I was trying to finish work back on Sept 9th and rushing to get home at 4:30- I called in the last minute to change my shuttle pick up time from 6:30 to hopefully 7:30. The lady was nice and she said there was a 7:00 pm pick up time available so I decided to go with that. While my roommate and my friend waved to me and gave me tremendous blessings as I hopped onto the shuttle bus, I heard a very gentle voice "hello!" I turned back and there were 2 guys sitting there. They were Asian. I was quite surprised because usually I go onto these shuttle buses or airplanes really just minding my own business 'cause afraid that people might think I am weird and also just too tired to talk as I am on "vacation" mode. But it turned out to be more then me... these 2 guys were National Taiwan University students who just finished their masters degree in USC. We all became friends since the first moment and they have come to pretty much every gathering that I have been going to since being back in Taiwan- now knowing all my friends here in Taipei- church or not. It is crazy. Both are definitely seekers and definitely openness. Having them connected with pastor KC and ENtaipei people was pretty cool....watching pastor KC talk to them, I really am amazed by God's divine appointment through all this. I almost was not going to be on that shuttle bus.....I called the shuttle bus at 5:00 to change... we all would have never met. Now some good Christians are connected with them and I really pray and look up to God that God loves people...

I think in the many lessons I have learned- I really have learned and also desire to be a Mary. I always thought that I was kind of like a Martha- but no, I AM a MARTHA. I live in NYC...which is SUPER DUPER Martha world.....i sometimes find myself crying because of doing this and that for what.... but now I know....i desire that inner quietness and peace...I want to lay my head at the feet of Jesus and be content. One of my mom's small group women after mediating a talk between me and my mom... woke up at 3 am to realize that she wanted to give a book to my mom about being still and hearing from God...but at the end it was for me. I am absolutely in awe to know that the Lord of creation is getting my tremendous attention just so I can come to His presence and spend time with Him. Me and my family got into a pretty intense conversation about China and just hta tmoment God brought 2 women from my mom's Bible study to come by to drop some gifts for me. While we were outside and I started to open up to share about what was going on....it started to drizzle... nobody knows this...but sometimes I see rain as a way of God letting me know "I AM RIGHT HERE".....I couldn't help but look up and be amazed that God is here....with me in this conversation and is with my family.

MARY MARY MARY. I want to be a Mary in a Martha world.

An encouragement :)

2009-08-31T05:36:00.001-07:00

At church on Sunday while I was just minding my own business...one of the youth pastors whom I know came to me and said "it's good to see you today!" and I was surprised as I looked at him and he continued "I never know when God is going to whisk you away into missions"

that probably is the best affirmation encouragement i have heard since forever.
:)

thanks God!

Hosts and Guests

2009-08-17T19:37:00.000-07:00

Today was one of those days that something just made me emotional... I was in training the whole day in midtown. While I was crossing the road to head to Borders to study for my licensing- I overheard a woman asking "excuse me, do you know the nearest supermarket?" I looked up from concentrating on my walking in the streets and this woman definitely was from the Middle East. She definitely looked like she was an auntie type and had her head covered- but not completely. I was just drawn to help her and I went up to her to let her know the nearest supermarket was on 2nd ave (we were on 1st ave). I walked alongside her and we had a conversation. She was a mother of 2 children, her son is a doctor at NYU and her daughter is also in NYC and just graduated from NYU. Her name was Fatimah. She was from Algeria. I got to share with her that I lived in Bahrain before and then she was telling me how she wanted her daughter to go to medical school in Sharjah. She gave me the most beautiful comment before we departed our ways "you are such a beautiful person and you are a whole person"- she kept on telling me that I should be a doctor and that I would make a wonderful doctor (but of course- i know that she probably is a fan of the profession because her son and daughter are both doctors). We parted with "God bless you" and "Ma'Salama" (goodbye). I was very very joyful that I got to meet Fatimah today.

Today during the women's bible study we were studying about Hosts and Guests.

TBC...

Surrender.

2009-07-30T20:15:00.000-07:00

I surrendered someone really important to me this past Sunday. This person who has been in my mind for a couple of months already. I mean, this person has always been in my heart- but just recent few months much much more. I think I came to a point where I was like "enough is enough" to my own heart. I wait...I wait...but I think I am waiting for the wrong person, wrong time, wrong things....Anyways, its challenging as I keep on everyday giving it up to God....I know now the Holy Spirit has invaded and is taking over. When I start to wander....the Holy Spirit gives an alarm to my heart. Thank you God. Thank you Holy Spirit.

So, I surrender.

This is for you....my beloved people group.

2009-06-15T12:42:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking a lot about them lately....of course every summer when this time comes around...i start to think about them...because it seems 3 out of the last 4 summers i have been in Northwest China. Its hard to imagine a summer without them in my life. Lately I have been dreaming and seeing a lot more about my beloved people over there and I wanted to write about them and the things I miss and hope that one day very soon in the future I shall be there again....joining in the midst of the people there..

Everyday I woke up, I had my window curtains a bit opened and I would see bright blue sky that was outside. It would be around 6:30 am or 7:00 am and waking up to that bright blue sky was amazing. It made ANYONE want to wake up. When open up the window, the wind and air is so crisp and overlook the beautiful city....not like radiant like the big metropolitan- but beautiful and unique in its own way.

My favorite part was walking this typical walk from the hotel to the mosque. It never changes- it will be a street packed with vendors that sold Nan bread and different nan bagels, burnt smell of kebabs, wooden trolleys of watermelons and sweet melons, little vendors that sowed and patched shoes or bags up that cost nothing then 10 cents, cars and bikes and motercars and people crossing the road...

The beautiful mosque...that I probably took it way for granted. Massive amount of people hanging out outside of the mosque, homeless men and women sitting on the steps of the mosque in search of food or mercy from others....

I loved the memory of my date with my roommate in summer 2008. We took lunch off and let her take me to her favorite restaurants. It was definitely a special time of hanging out. We walked to this amazing restaurant and had pumpkin dumplings and dumpling soup along with tasty tea. Then we walked to the people square in which we got some yummy ice cream. My roommate kindly forced me to try it and I realized that it was really really good....I am lactose intolerant, but we had a good time.

I miss having the never ending days- as the sun will go down around 8 or 9 pm. I miss seeing the sun go down. I miss the dry heat and the breezy mornings when I had to run and get stuff for people....

Everyday there seemed like my fast pace life and time stopped. I felt like I was there finally living in the present and I barely cared about the future. Time stopped....and it was good.

I hope that the day I return will be soon....

"Where are you going?"

2009-05-27T21:23:00.000-07:00

These past few days I haven't been feeling too well- emotionally. I was again very dissatisfied with my life in New York. I felt yet again my heart was disconnected with my mind. I know the truth but I definitely did not feel like I knew. Today a friend of mine was used by God to speak truth into me. It felt so refreshing because I felt like my mind and my heart simultaneously got it. I knew God spoke because it was out of love in which I heard His voice.

I am again on my career fork road. If there was ever a term called "career commitment phobia" I probably have it. It totally has to do with myself moving here and there all my life. I always had control over what I wanted to do. Since I was little I wanted to be a doctor, so I studied hard in my math and sciences and eventually really took the lead in classes. When things didn't turn out well in college with pre-med, I decided to still keep on going...then I started to think of alternative roads, public health or social work. I choose social work because I wanted to do international social work- doing program development overseas with organizations such as the UN or World Vision. I never ever thought about being a clinician or psychotherapist...i didn't believe in labeling people. However, who knew that social work most of it was about clinical work. I had a really good but challenging time at my first year internship- which was a community health center doing psychotherapy with Chinese immigrants. My second year internship was at World Vision and it was good and challenging too. But I distinctively remember that I was a bit disappointed my second year because it wasn't what I expected it to be.

Now again- I am at a job and I feel the general itch of wanting to leave and what is next. Been torn between PhD or MD.....but really feeling lost during my work. The work place was a miracle by God's grace...in the midst of economy failure, finding a job is for sure a testimony....and definitely after the months i was trying to find a full time job.

In the end of the day, I realized that I have not really given up my own agenda to God. I always run things with knowing God will bless it. I always organize and plan my life out- without really letting God speak first. I am already filling out my life with this and that for the next step while I haven't really taken the time to sit and listen and wait on God. "Where are you going?" God patiently sits there and asks. I know where I'm going...but then I get confused because there is nothing backing my plans up other then my ADD mind.

Who am I? Instead of thinking what I should be doing, I should know what I should not be doing. I know that I am here in US because God has brought me time to stay in the US to continue to take me out of my comfort zone and to let me open my heart and relying on Him instead of myself. In the end, it is actually pretty freeing.

God is teaching me an important lesson

where do we go from here?

2009-05-17T18:12:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I look at my schedule for the upcoming week and just feel a sense of structure that I do not necessarily like. I have a full time job that requires me to travel an hour to there and an hour to come back home. While I try not to pack up my week- it is already packed up yet again....prayer meeting this, meeting up with people this, and not even getting the time to go to the gym or take dance class or just chill....how do i do it? I don't really know.

I miss being a student because there was the freedom within the structure. You had classes and you were called to be a student and study. You had freedom in your time because you only had classes to go to while the other times you are free to do whatever- and of course...with your homework and reading and tests/presentations/projects in mind. And then you had summers and winters. it was that distinct....but now, I do not have that. When all the students that I know are graduating and finishing up their semester- I am still working....the every week routine. The routine is- Go to work, come home, go to work, come home...its pretty yucky. Where is the freedom with that?

Man, i need to count my blessings and realize how amazing it is to have a job right now in this economy. It is a blessing even though how little I get paid or how far the job is or how emotional draining it can be....it is kind of scary because since this job...i haven't really had the time or energy to dialogue with God like the way I use to. I don't really know if it is just me still adjusting or maybe it is even more. The job is definitely not my first top notch choice...its ok...it pays the bills...well barely. It reminds me when I went into the field of social work- it wasn't my top choice....but it was ok.....I do not want to live like this anymore. Something needs to happen. I don't want to always be in the "mmmm, its ok" stage. I want to be in the "a-ha! Praise God! AMEN!" stage. but again- maybe it is my own heart and flesh that is playing tricks on me on this. I often sit in my office and have the thought in my head "there must be more to life then this..." Yet again, God didn't bring me to a place where I would dread to go everyday...."its ok". God provided me a good supervisor and some great great coworkers. In the time being...."its ok"

I miss home terribly. I miss Taiwan and sometimes to be honest- I just want to be on the streets where I am not a different race but just be uniform with the people. When I go home to Taiwan...I truly feel like I blend in with the people and I love the culture in which there is more modesty, more sincere, and innocence in people. Again, NOT to say that US there is not that- but Taiwan still has that cultural aspect to it that I love. And hence, I also miss China sooo much. The people there are just so hospitable and its so easy to formulate community there because that is driven in them since forever....but even till this day in New York....the concept of community is a struggle for me. I like the definition of community in Asia...not so much here in the US- but again, "its manageable!"

Wow- just sounds like a lot of frustration, disappointment and questioning of why I am here in this season and stage. Uhhh...prayer prayer prayer.

A time of discernment...a time in the tunnel

2009-05-06T19:15:00.000-07:00

Wow..i have not written in so long. hello hello! Cannot believe how long its been since i updated this blog. I have not forgotten you! i think i'm definitely gonna start regularly updating this thingy. its an interesting season I am in now. I think it is a season where I am forced finally...to be thinking about me....my journey with the Lord and not others. Its just me and God....now what?

to be continued.

A Christmas Dream

2008-12-25T20:00:00.000-08:00

From Dec 25 Devotional "Streams in the Desert"

A number of years ago a remarkable Christmas card was published by the title "If I had not come," in John 15:22. The card pictured a minister falling asleep in his study on Christmas morning and then dreaming of a world into which Jesus had never come.

In his dream, he saw himself walking through his house, but as he looked, he saw no stockings hung on the chimney, no Christmas tree, no wreaths of holly, and no Christ to comfort and gladden hearts or to save us. He then walked onto the street outside, but there was no church with its spire pointing toward heaven. And when he came back and sat down in his library, he realized that eveyr book about our Savior has disappeared.

The minister dreamed that the doorbell rang and that a messenger asked him to visit a friend's poor dying mother. He reached her home, and as his friend sat and wept, he said, "I have something here that will comfort you." He opened his Bible to look for a familiar promise, ut it ended with Malachi. There was no gospel and no promise of hope and salvation, and all he could do was bow his head and weep with his friend and his mother in bitter despair.

Two days later he stood beside her coffin and conducted her funeral service, but there was no message of comfort, no words of a glorious resurrection, and no thought of a mansion awaiting her in heaven. There was only "dust to dust, and ashes to ashes," and one long, eternal farewell. Finally he realized that Christ had not come, and burst into tears, weeping bitterly in his sorrowful dream.

Then suddenly he awoke with a start, and a great shout of joy and praise burst from his lips as he heard his choir singing these words in his church nearby:

O Come, all ye faithful, joyful and triumphant,
O come ye, O come ye to Bethlehem!
Come and behold Him, born the King of Angels,
O come let us adore Him, Christ the Lord!

This is my Christmas revelation- thank you God.

A New Beginning II

2008-11-16T21:59:00.000-08:00

Today I saw an old friend and was reminded to finish up my post from a while back!

Anyways! Gosh. so much has happened since I wrote my last post. So, I've officially moved into my new apartment for a month and half. It has been a wonderful haven for me. My roommates are amazing women of God. They are both from my church in New York. One is on the worship team and is an amazing prayer warrior and the other one is committing into full time youth ministry with the church and is also another awesome prayer warrior. We have had moments where we prayed, chatted, vegged and not see each other for a few days thingy. I love my living situation.

Job and vocational stuff. I came back and knew that this phase of life was going to be hard. It has been SOOO hard. don't get me wrong. I often times want to just break down and cry. About the uncertainty of tomorrow, the next week, the next months and stuff.. I often times really want to take control of my life...i often times am SOO impatient with not hearing back and this whole waiting waiting waiting phase. tick tock tick tock....

I started job hunting since mid September, but only went full core when I moved into my new apartment at the beginning of October. I only had my first interview starting from the end of October. I sent out probably around nearly 100 resumes and cover letters and only heard back from 5 organizations. out of the 5, 2 have already rejected me. another one i am pretty positive i will not take, that leaves 2, one which i already had my 2nd round interview and another one in which i have my phone interview tomorrow with. The one i already had my 2nd round interview is the one that I really truly want. I prayed to God in the end of September for what kind of job I wanted and I was specific....and this job pretty much contains everything I asked for. the 2nd interview went really well but at the very end when they said "we will notify you within 2 weeks- we still are interviewing others..." my heart completely SUNK. How long do i have to fight this battle of the unknown...i'd seriously rather take an exam then do these interviews...i like to see results...FAST. but this is not.

Anyways- so many people are praying along with me on this job. I started to wonder, what if this job is not for me? I haven't really got a chance to discuss with them the visa situation...what if we are all praying for the wrong door? I start to think about plan B- which is another job (that means i have to keep on sending resumes...but i really have come to a stopping point...things are starting to look tasteless and boring) or plan c- go back home to Taiwan. I don't want to go back home to Taiwan yet- but I have been thinking about it more and more everyday. Letting my expectations of job to go....but shouldn't I proclaim the promises of the Lord?

This whole job thing has really immobilzed me in many things. I was reminded again about staffing...i think i get reminded of it at least once each week. I keep on thinking that once I get the job, then I can go all the way with volunteer staff- but I have found it to be so fruitful in meeting up with students individually and listening to their stories and struggles and praying with them. Do i have to be an official staff member to serve and to do the Lord's work? I have no title right now- but I feel like i'm investing as much as i can- those individual 4 hour convos have been so amazing. That application is still sitting on my desk top...i guess i am ultimately NOT a multi-tasker. I can only focus on one thing- JOB search that I completely forgot about filling out and praying and discerning about student ministry.... aiya aiya!

who knows what tomorrow brings.
my year's verse is Hebrews 12:1-2
Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, le us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily hinders our progress. And let us run with endurance the race that God has set before us. We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, on whom our faith depends form start to finish.

who knows what will happen. but i am going to be faithful

Near death....

2008-10-25T22:47:00.000-07:00

Today again- I shared with dear friends about my near death experience. I really do want to take this time to share about it.

It was a cold Monday night. I just finished attending one of the IV small groups that was focused on athletes. I was buying groceries from Morton Williams and while I was walking out and about to see if the bus was across the street- i saw the bus. I knew how irritating it is to wait for the m60....so i literally ran for the bus. Of course I looked around and there was no car. The stop light was red for me- but as again, didn't see any car- so I ran for the bus that was across the street. While I ran, I stopped. Just a second later- a very very fast NY taxi cab zoomed past me. I was a bit shocked. I got on the bus...

The next day I was going through the heaviness but I realized God was telling me- It is not my time yet....there are many things here to do on earth. I could have died that night or things would have majorly changed...but by the grace of God, i am living today.

My time on Earth is not done yet.

A New Beginning I

2008-10-05T14:32:00.000-07:00

When I was on the bus from Boston back to New York- I knew that God wanted me to give NYC a second chance. I specifically closed my eyes on the bus journey and prayed "Lord, show me why am i going back and impart your heart of the people in the city in me. Break my heart for what breaks yours in NYC. I need you to show me. Show me."

Being a student in NYC has always been challenging in balancing everything around. I wanted to excel in my school work- which I did. However, the community aspect kind of dwindled. I served as a volunteer staff/mentor at IVCF Columbia last year and it was challenging as there was a lot of freedom, but also amazing by how much the young ones blessed me. Student ministry was and is always up in the air for me. After being on staff this past summer on an amazing journey with college students all over US, I recognized the honor of seeing students being transformed and being used by God as a major player of that. I felt the Holy Spirit used me completely and every single second during my time on the project and every conversation, every relationship was intentional. Every teammate changed me and every local student changed me. My heart felt absolutely complete when I was in xj and when I left.....I knew that I had to live every day with some part of my heart in the desertlands.

When I came back to NYC, I wanted that intenseness. I want to live life by the edge. However, I choose to alienate and wanted to be in my xj kingdom dreamer bubble and dwell with my teammates forever. just like heaven, just like heaven. I struggled so much. I wanted to be used for His glory. I wanted to be with my family, my xj family. I left for Boston because my staff friend encouraged me to take that leap of faith. I got on the bus and then during the bus ride things happened. First, I sat behind a guy who worked at a prestigious foreign affairs magazine in NYC. He graduated from Columbia U journalism school and was himself a well traveled Indian guy. We had a great time chatting and talking to him reminded me of the insane amount of young adults and professionals that are in NYC. He expressed that no city is like NYC and i began to realize that too while the bus was driving away. I also got in touch with an organization that I have been waiting on since April that there is still the chance of me being hired and then also a text about housing working out in NYC.....why? why did this happen while i was on my way to Boston. I was getting ready to commit to serve Harvard's AACF for the year. so fed up with NYC and wanted to go to a place where I know I will be taken care of- free housing and ppl who i love. I headed to Boston a day before their leadership retreat in order to be there for their leadership retreat.....but after talking to people till 4 am in the morning, i decided that I am not ready to commit.

I took the next few days in Wellesley where I found myself strategically placed by God to be there. I sensed freedom and clarity there. The all girls environment helped, the Spirit filled room of my teammate helped and of course- the alone and quiet times where I got to process and remember with my dear sister helped. Most of all- the beautiful beautiful lake, trees and creation overload helped. I knew that it was time that I had to hear from God alone. I e-mailed just the people that have mentored me in the past and after getting the responses and praying and listening.....God told me, "Jalin, no matter if you choose Boston or New York, I am and will be proud of you." I almost wish that God said one of them....but God trusted me and gave the chance to make a decision. A big one. So, I decided on returning back to NYC. My heart struggled a lil bit, but I knew that was the right choice for this season. My mom said it well. She told me when I was in Boston that my family had faith in me that I can go through this phase of life that everyone has to go through- the whole trying to figure out life, job, apartment.....and she said that her and my dad have all gone through it and i can't avoid it all my life. I resonated with that. It broke my heart and made me sad that I had to leave my teammates in Boston in search of the unknown, going back to the valley- but I had faith that God was going to show me. faith is to believe in the unseen. i choose to believe in my time in new york was not done yet. I boarded the bus back to NYC with exhaustion and closed my eyes...

"Show me my purpose in NYC"

Since being back in NYC it can only be summarized as GOOD. yeah- times have been tough. I was again moving from place to place- from Brooklyn to East Harlem until I finally this past week moved to Harlem with 2 girls from church. Moving and hopping from place to place was no fun. But, I am so grateful to generous friends that have taken me under their shelter. Brooklyn I had my own room and then East Harlem I got to sleep on the comfy couch. She just gave me the spare key and told me I can come whenever I want. The roommates have been so nice in also welcoming me and taking care of me. House hunting was seriously a roller coaster journey....we probably ended up seeing 15-20 places and finally decided after a week and half on one of them. we prayed and looked and prayed....i was starting to despair but we had to hope- but anyways, we found this place and we all liked it. i was a bit skeptical about the small sized room- but now living in it, its great!!! i can fit pretty much most of my stuff....but it definitely is half the size of my room before. I need to start getting rid of stuff so I can do some simple living- but its amazing how much little things you accumulate

to be continued

Even in the valley....He shall be with me.

2008-09-07T06:22:00.000-07:00

So, after a very strange 3-4 weeks of trying to figure out life....finally....I am at a place where I can stand firm even in the deepness of the valley. Oh no doubt, I still wake up with a very fast heart beat and I can never sleep past 9:00 am.... but I know that God is going to be glorified today and this is a day to be rejoiced.

Even in the shadow of the valley
Even in the darkest hour
Even when my heart is shattered and weak
Even when my emotions overflow with despair and loneliness
I know you are with me

Father, will you hear my cry?

I came back from an amazing intense trip from West China. I went with pretty much 21 people I haven't really met- well, 2 of them I knew- but the others I didn't really know. I came back from a 6 week trip- heart broken yet completed, 21 new family kingdom dreamer family, golden relationships, the focus of community and calling towards XJ and China.

If you want to hear about it- email me! I would love to share more.

Anyways-after 3.5 weeks of discerning what i should do and going through post project depression, I am back!

Coming down the mountain

2008-08-26T09:53:00.000-07:00

I can't even begin to pour out my heart because I know how emotional I am right now. I am so scared to write or journal because of how heavy it would be. I am weary and tired- but God is sustaining me....to go forth. My heart is not here at all. My heart is not here in New York. It is with my friends in China, it is with my summer teammates, oh how can i retrieve back my heart and continue to live joyously here and look forward to what is ahead.

I feel stuck. I wake up every morning and feel a sense of grief and loss....is this what dying to self means?

Spiritual Warfare, it is SOOO real.

2008-06-09T19:53:00.000-07:00

Spiritual Warfare.

Now this is a topic that many people are not comfortable with. I really don't know why. Or they were not taught the concept- all they know is the do good Christian, Sunday Christian or the love/happy/peace Christian. NO, spiritual warfare is real and it is very much in the Bible. from the beginning till the end. Eph 6 that we are not fighting against flesh and blood but of those that dominate the air...spiritual warfare, man.

Today my mom shared with me some serious things that have been happening to her and then again it reminded me that prayer is absolutely crucial. even if life is going super duper good, pray. pray with all your heart and pray in the Spirit. It is God's grace and mercy to remind me through my mom about the importance of spiritual protection over family members, over household. Reminds me the class I took at church called "cleansing streams"- mannn....God is good and real. Thank God for Jesus.

Things have been quite amazing at home. My mom went to visit my aunt and her family (who are all Christian) in San Francisco and she came back completely changed. It was like crazy difference. There was joy and peace in herself when I saw her. She shared with me how God's presence was sooo at my aunt's household. She suggested that we start a family bible study every Saturday from now on (what a thing to praise God! God really loves our family!) so this past Saturday, I led the Bible Study on "Lordship" (straight from one on one book EN) and we had a 1.5 hour discussion- all of us got something out of it- my sister, asked really hard questions 'cause she is 8 and she doesn't know a lot of the Bible yet- but it was a good time where we concluded that we need to learn about Jesus as our LORD (over everything!!!)

So, this morning my mom got to share with me that she has been experiencing spiritual beings tangling her or haunting her. She keeps on thinking it is my grandpa who has passed away. But feeling suffocation during sleep, seeing headless figures, nightmares after nightmares....breaking down to tears and helplessness...I felt convicted in telling her- NO, whatever left that is doing such mean things to do or scarying you is not of good. So we talked for 2 hours on spiritual warfare. It ended with us praying together or me praying for her and for a cleansing of our household and my mom's heart....."Cleansing Streams" stuff came into play. I shared with my mom about Eph 6- and to tell her that small group, daily devotion is so important in puting the armour of GOd. And Praise God, my mom believed what I said and listened in and realized that IT IS IMPORTANT TO HAVE OTHERS TO FELLOWSHIP AND PRAY WITH/FOR.

We started to talk about the swimming pool at our complex. THe other day I went with my sister to go swimming. It was around 9 pm and no one was left except me and her and the lifeguard that goes off on his own world sometimes. I sensed darkness looming over while I swam to the darker end.....like something was gonna pop out in the water...i told myself "Jalin...you watch TOOO many scary movies" and in a hurry, got my sister and left the pool. When my mom told me today while she was sharing about last time she was swimming- she experienced something pinching her - i knew... something is not good that dwells in the swimming pool. hence, next time i am near that swimming pool- i'm gonna be praying in the Spirit...whatever it is....NEEDS to leave our community pool.

Anyways- i am SUPER convicted to be praying now....esp after such spiritual talks and prayers...ANd I know- there is deeper healing that is starting fully its works in my mom. Thank you Jesus

I strongly to encourage to pray for your family and household today.

For where the Spirit of the Lord is, THERE IS FREEDOM.

Prince Caspian

2008-05-16T00:26:00.000-07:00

I went to the midnight showing of Prince Caspian- so pretty much the first person around the world to watch the new Narnia movie. I must say the movie was good- but not like super duper beyond my expectation- HOWEVER, the last few scenes really really took me. Especially when Lucy Edmund, Peter and Susan were going back to their world- the look on Aslan surprised me and immediatly shook me to tears- as Lucy looked at Aslan before going into the tree hole, Aslan looked at her with loving eyes, it was an expression that had so much meaning, he looked at her not wanting to her to go...like she is so precious that he doesn't want to lose the nearness of her- but he also gave a confidence and smile that was reassuring that he will see her someday soon. It is just such a strong metaphor of how God looks at us. I'm sure He truly truly wants to spend all the time with us, but he put us on Earth for this season (our life here on earth) for a reason- and just like Aslan in the movie, God also doesn't want to let go of his precious jewels, but he chooses to- for his timing is perfect- in the hope of seeing each other again soon....

Wow.

Here are the lyrics from the song at the end of the movie....Regina Spektor "the Call" i thought it was very very well chosen.

It started out as a feeling
Which then grew into a hope
Which then turned into a quiet thought
Which then turned into a quiet word

And then that word grew louder and louder
'Til it was a battle cry

I'll come back
When you call me
No need to say goodbye

Just because everything's changing
Doesn't mean it's never
Been this way before

All you can do is try to know
Who your friends are
As you head off to the war

Pick a star on the dark horizon
And follow the light

You'll come back
When it's over
No need to say good bye

You'll come back
When it's over
No need to say good bye

Now we're back to the beginning
It's just a feeling and now one knows yet
But just because they can't feel it too
Doesn't mean that you have to forget

Let your memories grow stronger and stronger
'Til they're before your eyes

You'll come back
When they call you
No need to say good bye

You'll come back
When they call you
No need to say good bye

the end is just the beginning....the journey continues.

2008-05-02T22:04:00.000-07:00

I'm graduating! for the 3rd time....after senior year in high school, senior year in college, now a master degree student. I can't believe how time has flown. I look back and so much has happened and so much has changed. Everything around me changes constantly....and again i'm at the fork of transition. Today was my last day at World Vision as a policy intern. I cried....surprisingly i did. I'm gonna miss all the people so much. George and Tala, Josy (my mother figure at work), Monica (her passion for China), Cristina (Spirit filled sister), Paul (co-intern who really i enjoyed getting to know this year), Joe, and others... The precious people. The project I worked on- mental health needs of Palestinian children. I'm really proud of myself for reconstructing my thought process and writing skills from micro to macro scale. I'm really tired of writing papers 'cause the past 2 years especially this year- papers got harder and harder to write as the topic became harder.....I remember our first class at social work- we went around the room and were asked our goal, and i said "i want to be a better writer"- and i have achieved that after writing 20+ papers.

everything after graduation is still a bit up in the air. i know i need to go home at least for 3 weeks- i haven't seen my dad in 1.5 years and i really do miss being with my entire family- so i need to go back to Taiwan and regain strength from an exhausting school year. i need a job....i need a place to stay which i think is sorting itself out.....i need to go to China...which is all up in the air right now. but i trust in the Lord- despite how uncertain things are- the past 4-5 months i have learned that trusting in God's timing and truly believing that with all my heart. and wait upon the Lord in JOY and PEACE.

Can't believe another transition is waiting ahead. I'm not moving New YOrk yet- but i know the time is to be numbered. My heart is growing with the city but ultimately it is not here....i know that. so i guess prepare my heart for the little transition for the bigger transition that is lying ahead-

2008-04-23T15:16:00.000-07:00

in prayer and fasting until God speaks

aspirations

2008-02-11T17:35:00.000-08:00

I don't know why- lately I have been thinking A LOT about going to South America. My friend has shared with me her experience of traveling for 5 months under 5000 US dollars and she went to Argentina, Chile, Brazil, Peru, Mexico....and she stayed in hostels, sleeper buses and such....gosh, i just need a few months where i can do that. i guess i also keep on thinking about the Motorcycle Diaries of how Che Guevera did it too-

I believe in a God who fulfills my deepest dreams and desires. I can say today that I truly believe that.

2007-10-30T15:47:00.000-07:00

Today is my 25th birthday. Quarter of a century. Seriously....i feel kind of old. Today in class we were doing surveys- and when i got to the age catagory- i saw "18-25" and i realized that before i was in the middle and now i'm at the end of the age gap. It's slightly scary and frightening....but i guess the older you are the wise you get?! hahha.

Since the beginning people have been giving me so many great presents, whether its a card that was so loving or TONS of sweets (i can tell how much ppl love- the sweets that they have been buying me...hahhaa). Chocolate cheese cake, soft bake dark chocolate chip cookies, cupcakes, white choclate cookies......mmmmmmm. i had 3-4 sugar rushes today....enough of that- but the best gift was what God gave me- last night, 3 of the other IV staff people got together and our get together turned into an intense healing prayer session for me.

in the words of my fair lady "by george- i think she's got it"

Praise God

2007-10-13T08:11:00.001-07:00

Dearest friends,

today is a day to rejoice because my mom was baptized in Grace Baptist Church in Taiwan with 19 other men and women. seriously i have been crying the whole day. Its joyful tears and i definitely use tears as a way of expressing deep emotions :) Growing up, me and my mom fought a lot. My mom had a really tough emotional roller coaster life. She had violent mood swings and often time would get extremely angry with either me or my dad. She also hurt me many times in making me feel she didn't trust me and that i intentionally wanted to make her angry. I was so afraid to make her angry and i feared her so much. Then when i became a teenager- it became even worse because my mood swings became violent and the combo between me and my mom was pretty bad. I would cry often when talking to her because i felt accused, misunderstood and when we have arguments and i cry- she will leave me there without resolving our conflict. rejection abandonment over and over.

but praise God. I became a true believer of Jesus Christ in my sophomore year in college and God had big intentions for my family. during the last few years- there would be arguments and i would be so frustrated by my mom and myself. but overall- i will end up trusting and praying for my mom.

a few months ago- my mom called me to tell me that she is a believer who is seeking Jesus. It shocked me because while i was at home after college at Vanderbilt- i was waiting for God to show me the miracle. But it happened when i wasn't there, dad wasn't there, lulu wasn't there- while she was sleeping and she woke up feeling this emptiness and hurt- she took my sister to sunday school that day and immediately told my sister's sunday school teacher about it- she lived the past 50 years not knowing Christ, but she didn't want that to happen to the rest of her 50 years.

spending this past summer with my mom and sister was absolutely amazing. God redeemed so much so much. When we parted over the summer- I was not worried because I knew my mother was in good hands. My mom kept on pursuing God and she went to all the foundation classes in my church before baptism.

Today my mom is a Christian who is walking strong with the Lord. God is beyond amazing. And today onthe phone- my mom blessed me further with a confirmation from God of my calling for the Muslims.

She wrote me an e-mail to tell me the joyful news and to write her appreciation for me in her life. She wrote about how the pastor today prayed over the new Christians Psalm 51 and I use this psalm to remind you, my dear friends about how great God is and the newness of life He continuously brings. I pray that your family members who are not walking with the Lord yet will one day truly know the meaning of this Psalm and accept in joy of the new life that Jesus brings for He is the only one who does and will.

Have mercy on me, O God,
according to your unfailing love;
according to your great compassion
blot out my transgressions.

2 Wash away all my iniquity
and cleanse me from my sin.

3 For I know my transgressions,
and my sin is always before me.

4 Against you, you only, have I sinned
and done what is evil in your sight;
so you are right in your verdict
and justified when you judge.

5 Surely I was sinful at birth,
sinful from the time my mother conceived me.

6 Yet you desired faithfulness even in the womb;
you taught me wisdom in that secret place.

7 Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean;
wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.

8 Let me hear joy and gladness;
let the bones you have crushed rejoice.

9 Hide your face from my sins
and blot out all my iniquity.

10 Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

11 Do not cast me from your presence
or take your Holy Spirit from me.

12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation
and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

13 Then I will teach transgressors your ways,
and sinners will turn back to you.

14 Deliver me from bloodguilt, O God,
you who are God my Savior,
and my tongue will sing of your righteousness.

15 Open my lips, Lord,
and my mouth will declare your praise.

16 You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it;
you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.

17 My sacrifice, O God, is [b] a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart
you, God, will not despise.

18 May it please you to prosper Zion,
to build up the walls of Jerusalem.

19 Then you will delight in the sacrifices of the righteous,
in burnt offerings offered whole;
then bulls will be offered on your altar.

a glimpse of heaven

2007-09-02T21:10:00.000-07:00

Yes. I saw the glimpse of heaven.

this weekend I got the chance to go to a MBB convention in DC....it was sooooo beyond awesome. I got really emotional at the very end. I didn't know how to deal with my feelings. It was beyond imagination to see people from various countries and backgrounds- Persian, Turkish, Egyptian, Uzbekistani, Indian, Sudanese, Italian, European, Chinese, and me. People were praying and worshiping in their own languages. It reminded me of the Book of Revelations. And I truly took heart of what Paul said- considering everything (power, money, high position, stable job) nothing in comparison with knowing Christ- experiencing that glimpse of heaven daily. It is so hard. Christy is right- just like the 3 disciples that saw Jesus got transfigured and rose into the heavens....they had to go down eventually back to the chaotic world. Wow- i hunger for these heavenly moments so much.

I got to meet some amazing people this weekend. Most of all, I heard so many incredible stories/testimonies of how God spoke. It involved dreams and visions and i'm amazed on how God speaks to a tribe in its own unique way. The stories and images and the time spent keeps on flowing in my head...wonderful wonderful stuff.

I saw what a man of God is like. God keeps on hinting to me what an amazing man of God should be- will go to the ends of the earth for God. has a servant's heart. dreams big and loves the lord with every single cell in him...and reaches out to the poor and the lost (physically, spiritually)...and filled with God's Spirit.

Where is God's glory? I keep on looking outside for it when God keeps on reminding me...there is much to do within my own surroundings.

The life of a volunteer staff- Chapter one...genesis.

2007-08-29T21:05:00.000-07:00

Wonderful. Gosh. Now I know how awesome it is to be a staff worker or just a elder woman who can love on and encourage women who are younger. Yesterday I was hesitating if I should go to the IV ice cream social for the new freshmen- but was uber surprised of how fun it went. I was out from 9 pm till 2 am....it was crazy. Probably need to watch my sleep time boundaries but how fun and every conversation made me even more hyper! I got to have some real good conversations and even put in some prayer time with the women i met. Each one of them are so special and so opened and so excited about God's work in their lives and in their fellowship. Wonderful. I'm so blessed to be amongst them.

There is this other guy who is starting also and he is the guy volunteer staff and it was so fun- we pretended that we were freshman, then he pretended that he was an exchange student from Korea and then he just said he was a high school student. I totally will not be fooled because he looks older! :P but then we started to tell people we were brothers and sisters....all the undergrads were so fooled that they smiled and nodded but deep down wondered.."Seriously?" but me and Steve both had a good time.

AH! i so look forward in getting to grow with these young ones here in Columbia University. This is the moment I have been waiting for and God is so great. Praise you Lord!

New Semester coming up...SOON!

2007-08-28T08:17:00.000-07:00

Rwar. here are my classes

Second year fieldwork- World Vision New York
International Social Welfare Services
Seminar on Social Policy Practice
Economics for International Affairs (with lab)

and one more class....either or
1) Program Evaluation
2) Economics and Education Development in the International arena

sounds intense....doesn't it :P

Singlehood

2007-08-24T22:46:00.001-07:00

Friends, it is so awesome to be single. I never thought about how great it is. I always wanted to be the one who had someone madly in love with me while I was madly in love with the person too....i think my singlehood has been greatly challenged due to a lot of my friends have started to date or gotten serious or even married. First thing that comes to my mind is- heck, why her? why not me? I have everything in me that is so great too! But God has been teaching me and giving me a lot of peace about being single for this season. I have been growing more and more intimate in knowing about God. That is what I've always wanted.

I'm not ready to settle. The uncomforting and lonely feeling has been surpassed by God's warmth and comfort. He daily reminds me of His promises and His passion for what I can do as a single woman in New York at this time. I will never want to settle because of a guy, money or power. Good house, good stable job, stable income, nice family life- sounds all so appealing and great. People all want that and they've been driven by their parents, society to do so. Somehow that stability disturbs me. I don't want to be one of those people who settles and gets married and stays somewhere forever till her children are grown and then start her life. Nothing wrong with that- but i don't know....maybe i'm thinking too ahead of myself. I want my kids to grow up as missionaries or have mission mindsets. I want them to be culturally compotent. I want them to LIVE life through stories and stories and stories of their interactions with people all over. Heavenly father has blessed me with that opportunity.

No wonder I haven't really found anyone great in New York- many people here and Christians are just looking for the whole "settling" mindset. I am not. I am radical. yes indeed. I am running towards God's calling and the man of God either run with me or be opened in running....hahaha. so much for metaphors.

i'm not ready to settle yet.

Indescrible. God's creation!

2007-08-22T08:11:00.000-07:00

Cho, Teresa and me went on a 2 day 1 night trip to Niagara Falls. We went through a Chinatown tour company. We woke up at 6:00 something am and packed/washed up and headed to Chinatown in the gloomy gray weather. At 8:30 something- we three went on board the number 2 bus with a bunch of strangers and headed over on our LONG journey to Niagara. We got to the falls at 6 pm- but during that process, there were talks, naps, and watching movie. Time passed by fast.

Then we headed to Maid of Mist- I was kind of bummed out that we were on the American falls side and we only could see the American falls...but the Maid of Mist boat also went to the Canadian falls (the real big spectacular one) and our boat got SOOO close that i was getting a bit scared. and our boat driver actually turned us RADICALLY and i was on the side where i almost felt like i was gonna fall into the middle of the falls...where they met...it was slightly scary moment...but there were a lot of ppl on the boat and it was fun.

After that we went to Chinese buffet- i haven't had Chinese buffet in SOOOooo Long. ahahhaa. it was the same- so much food, so much MSG, so fun :) after that we headed to the Cave of the Winds. By this time it was already almost 9 pm but we went and it was SOOOO freakin amazing...we went from the bottom of the falls and climbed to the point where we were actually right underneath a fall.....we 3 stood there for 30 minutes- my glasses and everything was getting soaking wet even with the poncho on. it was so worth it....it felt refreshing and cleansing. After that we went to the top of the Canadian falls and took photos and watched the beautiful light affects. We made a new Korean friend. He was so cute- as a brother type! but he brought only a paper bag of his stuff and spoke very little English- but was very joyful and friendly. we also got to know 3 people from China that were studying in New York. One of them was quite difficult because he kept on bringing the whole China/Taiwan thing. There was a point where i started to get ticked and irritated and tears of anger kind of dropped...which hasn't happen in a while...but everything turned out ok and we are friends.

Then we went back to sleep- i fell asleep watching parental control on MTV. i haven't watched cable TV in so long....so i was like "i'm going to watch!" and then fell asleep on the bed with the remote control on my hands..hahhaa. the hotel was nicer then i expected! we had a hair dryer (hallelujah) so i got to take a full shower.

the next day we went to Corning Glass Museum in the middle of nowhere. It was amazing because in the middle of nowhere- there was this awesome glass museum that sorta looked like MoMA. :) and then afterwards we went to another Chinese buffet- this time we talked to another guy who was traveling by himself and our beloved tour guide. omg. our tour guide was so awesome. she had to say everything in 3 languages (english, mandarin, Cantonese) and she was such a funny person- she would tell ppl to call her "mei mei" or "honey" and she would randomly stop and laugh ....reminded me of an anime character. it was fun getting to know her

then we got back to new york at 6:30 pm.

i'm heading to DC in 2 weeks for another awesome awesome conference...can't wait.

Dream on dear friends!

2007-08-14T11:19:00.000-07:00

I just had lunch with my teammate/sister in Christ Lina. I'm glad that she is here in the city and the others who are dear to me....but most of all- thank God for such passionate people who seem to have the same desire of serving God in the ends of the Earth. We are all dreaming the same dream as kingdom dreamers.

Its so hard to have had such an intense experience in the far ends of the Earth- where we are far away from our familiarity and dropped in the midst of strange yet so awesomely interesting people and culture- and not be affected by it. The closest thing to Heaven on Earth- what is it? Glimpses of it were experienced- like how a team of youth that loved God had disputes came all together in Christ in the end and learned to forgive, accept, tolerate, love and cherish one another- like how a minority who has been suffering her whole life of not knowing the truth suddenly is taught about truth and what is out there and the freedom....

We live in a world where money, power, relationships, materialism rules.....and as I was talking today with my dear friend- i was reminded how we can be affected by those things. People are making money and power driven. People are seeking boyfriends or girlfriends or their attention to make their emptiness in their lives content. People are wanting to enjoy newest and trendiest things while forgotten the basic and simplest things in life- like sharing and building on friendships, like spending time with family and serving them, like being able to look at the homeless woman and give a smile to a stranger. Where have we gone? Have we even forgotten the most basic things in life....

Maybe its not all about making money and gaining power....are you going to be happy when you are done? I have to tell myself that. God catches each one of my tears and I know those tears that I have shed because of the feelings I have towards loved one or ones in Asia is not going to waste.....those tears will be counted up and provided within the provision answer entitled as my calling...

Hosanna.

2007-08-12T22:06:00.000-07:00

see the king of glory
Coming on the clouds with fire
The whole earth shakes
The whole earth shakes

Yeeeah

I see his love and mercy
Washing over all our sin
The people sing
The people sing

[Chorus]
Hosanna
Hosanna
Hosanna in the highest x2

I see a generation
Rising up to take their place
With selfless faith
With selfless faith

I see a near revival
Stirring as we pray and seek
We're on our knees
We're on our knees

[Chorus]

Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like you have loved me

Break my heart from what breaks yours
Everything I am for your kingdoms cause
As I walk from earth into Eternity

[Chorus] x2

Hosanna in the highest

There are things bigger then you and me.

Mouring over the lost of a friend.

2007-08-12T19:34:00.000-07:00

I am beyond disappointed at a friend. I shall not name this friend because I don't think there is any need to say anything to this person anymore. Usually i would like to tell others about it- but I have come to learn that this is my business and I shall be a good woman of God- tame my tongue in gossip and restrain myself for saying anything that is remotely gossipy or stupid. I just pray that God will take me through this time. I think I have officially come to a point- where I am mourning the loss of a friend. This person- I haven't known this person for that long. But, I still remember when me and this friend use to be slightly close. there are even moments when i recall that this person and i had deep conversations and this person would be such a light and encouragement in areas of my life. i always thought that this person related to me in a very fun way. everything changed after my long journey back from taiwan. anyways-some people cannot handle honesty. some people just don't understand the person for who you are. this friend of mine did not. i don't think this person will ever understand and want to know me in a deeper level of how i want to know this person. its really beyond sadness. now all the memories i have had in stored and all the excitement i have had to lavish person is dried into barely nothing. all i got for this person is just a smile and a nod.....no, its not because i'm tired, its because it really is what i have left......

some friendships in new york frustrate me. maybe i haven't invested enough....maybe i haven't given enough.....but i don't enjoy superficial. i don't enjoy always just eating partying and be merry- that is NOT enough for me. Whatever happened to true fellowship where people lifted each other, encouraged each other, prayed for each other, had awesome awesome conversations till wee hours.....i would trade that any second with small talk and wasting money...

La Vie En Rose

2007-08-06T15:12:00.000-07:00

I went with Dawn to the Paris Theater to watch a French movie called "La Vie En Rose"- it was all French and biopic about Edith Pilaf...the amazing singer. The movie was very "french" as Dawn would call it. It was true- it jumped here and there and while both me and Dawn were getting confused.....the plot was coming out eventually at the end. It was a very sad story....I thought.. the director definitely made it into a sad shade into it. But overall- it was a good movie. I can't believe the actress who played Edith Pilaf was the same as the leading actress in A Good Year...!!!!! crazy...she definitely will get an award sometime along her career.

So I have finally came back to the swing of things in New York. While I've had busy schedule of working and spending time with out of town friends- I have also started to like New York again. So much has happened this summer and its funny in comparison to what I have done- I really haven't done much other then go home and come back to new york....but God has taught and guided me in many ways. Last year an entire year of confusion and transition and emotions....i feel like finally- God has given me eyes to see what he has meant to be...what he has planned....and i must say, its better then anything in the world.

Praise God for miracles....
1) my internship in World Vision for next year. That in itself is a miracle. I came back from Taiwan confused of my whole social work career- people like Steph and Val helped me a lot through my external processing. And of course- at the end, my dad listened and gave me very wise advice. I was almost going to quit school and reapply again- my dad thought that was very foolish to do while i can take classes and make my last year into what I would have wanted it to be. So, I decided to go back to International Social Policy- i had to reject my 1st choice internship and refind a new one. My field advisor Moira has been MORe then supportive and helpful. I told her my goals and visions and she listened and processed and respected my decision. Then after 2 weeks- she calls me and told me how she asked UNICEF, UN and everyone has already reached their intern capacity. And then she asked me..."well, there is a spot. have you ever heard of World Vision?" and my heart skipped a beat....and i thought to myself "are you kidding...of course..." and it turns out they have a spot opened. So i went in and I was interviewed by their executive director who seems like a wise old gentleman who has been in the corporate business world for a long time- he told me that they need an intern to work on their biggest donor's project- working with implementing psychotherapy afterschool programs with girls in Palestine....while i looked at him while he presented this case...i could NOT believe it......did he even know that I lived in the Middle East? Did he even know I love Arabs and Muslims? Did he know that i did psychotherapy last year with Chinese immigrants?...... i was in awe. So i'm officially on board with World Vision- starting from September. My dad and mom are SUPER excited for me :) thank you GOd.

2) I got involved with a Muslim Background Believer here in NYC- I heard her testimony and was EXTREMELY blessed and of course cried...but she wanted someone to help her out with PR work of her t-shirt fundraising for her Muslim ministries. I have been thinking of wanting to explore more about PR...it couldn't be better. I must say- so far its a bit frustrating...with the churches...but we shall see. But how did she know I was in a bit of a financial crisis? she offered to pay me......seriously, God- you are too good...

3) i had a good dream last night....about my dear friend back in the northwest. i'm going to hold onto that dream and believe that the good day is going to be happening soon.

Hosanna in the Highest.

Good Soul Food

2007-07-26T15:53:00.000-07:00

July 24, 2007

Rebellion in the Desert

Nancy Leigh DeMoss: Do you know that we can prolong suffering by our response to it? I once talked with a woman who lived with chronic depression and suicidal tendencies for a long time. She said, "I realize now that all those years stemmed from my own rebellion against the Lord when I was walking through the desert of life."

It reminds me of Psalm 68:6 where it says, God "leads out the prisoners to prosperity, but the rebellious dwell in a parched land."

If you're discouraged or depressed, it may not be because you've done something wrong. God could be preparing to lead you to prosperity. But the way you handle the crisis could cause many more years of wandering.

So don't stay in a parched land any longer than you have to. If you are in a desert right now, let God lead you through it, and trust Him to lead you out in His way and His time.

Another update!

2007-07-25T07:54:00.000-07:00

Julia Warren is getting married!!! I cannot believe that she will be getting married this weekend....I can still remember the days when we were all in Mims- oh how young we all were....and this weekend I get to see her walk down the aisle. So surreal.

So a couple of things have been happening in my life

1) learning greatly about conflict resolution
2) God's blessing and provision with future and ministries
3) Finally letting go and being secure in God :)

I'm sitting at the computer lab and working- at least getting some kind of income into my new york expenses. people have seriously non-stop being coming to visit! currently i have dawn with me- and when i come back from atlanta it will be dawn, ethel, ethel's mom, and ethel's boyfriend Mark! hahahah :) full house! but i'm glad though- they are keeping me energetic- 'cause i am an extrovert! hahaha

I got an internship offer with Disabilities Network of New York City. but I turned I turned it down (what?! why??!?!...that would be the respones) for an opportunity to work for a woman who does t-shirt ministries and ministries with Muslims in New York. I can't wait to see what is there for me!

------
on the side note....i think i am a born romantic.

I'm not a plastic bag!

2007-07-18T10:10:00.000-07:00

I didn't really sleep last night.....i lied on the curved concrete road in Columbus Circle with some friends for 5 hours...waiting for the chance to buy 3 tote bags that say "I'm not a Plastic Bag"- designed by award winning designer (her name escapes me). it is also very environmental as it is promoting the anti-usage of plastic. if that wasn't enough....1 bag usually costs about 200 dollars on ebay while i got 3 bags, each for 15 dollars! yeap. thats right.....so, i had an adventure with my friends.
i have 3 bags- one for me, one for a friend and the other one either for my mom or for my roommate from China.... :)

we shall see!!

http://flickr.com/photos/gregwong/845499779/
http://flickr.com/photos/gregwong/845482451/
http://flickr.com/photos/gregwong/845460169/
http://flickr.com/photos/gregwong/846298534/

Pride or Brokenness? I choose brokenness.

2007-07-17T08:17:00.001-07:00

By Nancy Leigh DeMoss

Proud people focus on the failures of others.
Broken people are overwhelmed with a sense of their own spiritual need.

Proud people have a critical, fault-finding spirit; they look at everyone else’s faults with a microscope but their own with a telescope.
Broken people are compassionate; they can forgive much because they know how much they have been forgiven.

Proud people are self-righteous; they look down on others.
Broken people esteem all others better than themselves.

Proud people have an independent, self-sufficient spirit.
Broken people have a dependent spirit; they recognize their need for others.

Proud people have to prove that they are right.
Broken people are willing to yield the right to be right.

Proud people claim rights; they have a demanding spirit.
Broken people yield their rights; they have a meek spirit.

Proud people are self-protective of their time, their rights, and their reputation.
Broken people are self-denying.

Proud people desire to be served.
Broken people are motivated to serve others.

Proud people desire to be a success.
Broken people are motivated to be faithful and to make others a success.

Proud people desire self-advancement.
Broken people desire to promote others.

Proud people have a drive to be recognized and appreciated.
Broken people have a sense of their own unworthiness; they are thrilled that God would use them at all.

Proud people are wounded when others are promoted and they are overlooked.
Broken people are eager for others to get the credit; they rejoice when others are lifted up.

Proud people have a subconscious feeling, “This ministry/church is privileged to have me and my gifts”; they think of what they can do for God.
Broken people’s heart attitude is, “I don’t deserve to have a part in any ministry”; they know that they have nothing to offer God except the life of Jesus flowing through their broken lives.

Proud people feel confident in how much they know.
Broken people are humbled by how very much they have to learn.

Proud people are self-conscious.
Broken people are not concerned with self at all.

Proud people keep others at arms’ length.
Broken people are willing to risk getting close to others and to take risks of loving intimately.

Proud people are quick to blame others.
Broken people accept personal responsibility and can see where they are wrong in a situation.

Proud people are unapproachable or defensive when criticized.
Broken people receive criticism with a humble, open spirit.

Proud people are concerned with being respectable, with what others think; they work to protect their own image and reputation.
Broken people are concerned with being real; what matters to them is not what others think but what God knows; they are willing to die to their own reputation.

Proud people find it difficult to share their spiritual need with others.
Broken people are willing to be open and transparent with others as God directs.

Proud people want to be sure that no one finds out when they have sinned; their instinct is to cover up.
Broken people, once broken, don’t care who knows or who finds out; they are willing to be exposed because they have nothing to lose.

Proud people have a hard time saying, “I was wrong; will you please forgive me?”
Broken people are quick to admit failure and to seek forgiveness when necessary.

Proud people tend to deal in generalities when confessing sin.
Broken people are able to acknowledge specifics when confessing their sin.

Proud people are concerned about the consequences of their sin.
Broken people are grieved over the cause, the root of their sin.

Proud people are remorseful over their sin, sorry that they got found out or caught.
Broken people are truly, genuinely repentant over their sin, evidenced in the fact that they forsake that sin.

Proud people wait for the other to come and ask forgiveness when there is a misunderstanding or conflict in a relationship.
Broken people take the initiative to be reconciled when there is misunderstanding or conflict in relationships; they race to the cross; they see if they can get there first, no matter how wrong the other may have been.

Proud people compare themselves with others and feel worthy of honor.
Broken people compare themselves to the holiness of God and feel a desperate need for His mercy.

Proud people are blind to their true heart condition.
Broken people walk in the light.

Proud people don’t think they have anything to repent of.
Broken people realize they have need of a continual heart attitude of repentance.

Proud people don’t think they need revival, but they are sure that everyone else does.
Broken people continually sense their need for a fresh encounter with God and for a fresh filling of His Holy Spirit.

Mondays, everyday

2007-07-16T12:16:00.000-07:00

I just spent the last 2 days in New Haven, CT. It was like what people said- gorgeous campus, but kind of simple and a lot boring compared to new york city....but somehow i found much solitude with my friend sudi. Sudi is a 3rd year medical student at Yale. I still remember the days when we were in college....this weekend it reminded me of those days. Let's see- what did we do? Well, we walked a lot- i mean, A LOT! but i didn't mind because the campus was SOO beautiful. The buildings were all historical and gothic looking. I was slightly jealous by the fact that their residential colleges looked like Harry Potter's school....wouldn't it have been awesome if i had that residential college experience? A lot of my friends i ended up with were mostly from my freshman dorm. It would have been awesome to share the same space and dining area....:) Anyways- I also got to see Stoops, another Vandy friend. I haven't seen him since senior year in college....2.5 years ago...wow. I think we all haven't changed much, but just now with a shade of maturity and respect. Our childish wild days are over...and now we are more like adults. its true! its true...

I got a lot of sleep over the weekend. I also ate really really well! i ate at the local hangout spot, BAR- i had a mash potato/ spinach pizza....mmmmm....and the BAR house salad which was blue cheese, pecan, greens, pears with house vinegerette dressing. it was so delish. I also ate some awesome chicken biriyani at this restaurant called Zordosa- Sudi knew the owner and he gave us 10% off! :)

Other then that- let me see, it was nice to be away from new york for a little bit. i know i know..i just got back from taiwan too!! but i'm excited about what is ahead for the summer. last week i went through some pretty big things...like finding out i can't get a job off campus which pays because of my visa status....pretty dumb...but what can i do....i'm F1...(sigh) but now things are looking a whole lot better. I think its all because of the comfort of God. I have a part time job on campus which does pay money, but i also will be interviewing this weekend for non-paid internships.. and some possible investment on ministry opportunities. But the weeks coming ahead are reallyh exciting because next week i'll be in Atlanta for Julia's wedding- finally doing bridesmaid duties....i can't wait! most of all- be back in the South...:) also seeing old friends and JULIA! Dawn is coming to stay with me for a few weeks in new york! i'm excited about that! Sudi is coming into town next week- and we are going to suit shop. Lets see.....Ethel is coming into town!! :) i'm excited and she is staying here! thats beyond exciting because a fellow China dreamer is coming to new york. Then the Cynthia, Vicky, Helen from FNL are all visiting new york in August!! :)

God is good- God, i pray for PROVISION and trust you are GOOD!
GOd- i also lift up those in the desertlands....the joy of the redeemed

Withdrawal

2007-07-09T22:15:00.000-07:00

My stage really sucks. I just realized that i'm not very happy and then i don't know... every time conversations with friends - something happens. So, i was gone for 2 months. A lot happened with me- I develop new meaningful friendships, spent time with family and most of all- started to think about my future (since i got time). But i realized that I wasn't the only one doing that. Everyone- I MEAN...literally EVERYONE i know in new york city has moved on exponentially in their own ways. I come back and people are happy to see me- but they are so involved with their current fast paced life that my return and my stories does not really mean much to them- or they don't have time. They have found substitutes and other new friends and deeper relationships and being back.... its a feeling of alone. i just realized that I might have too high expectations. Unlike last time where I had a team with me that was all going through withdrawal....i'm alone this time. Of course- I know that God is with me and all that- but my lack of community in New York does not help. Ironically its the new friendships that are so less hurtful- I got to spend time with Albert- who i have only met twice and we had a lot of fun today- eating, walking, reading, talking...it was so nice. I guess a lot has to do the fact that he actually was in Taiwan a month ago and we hung out there- i felt new and fresh. On the other hand, its the relationships that i have had in the past year or two that is most hurtful to me. I hoped they would be more understanding and wanting to spend time with me....but everyone is busy. I will be busy soon too- when i start to work. People ALways say i have a lot of friends....but to be honest...i'm starting to doubt the meaningful relationships- i don't really have much of those. There is a fear that I might end up alone.....and left behind....just like that song i wrote.

The Gift of Tears

2007-07-06T12:10:00.000-07:00

When I took the test on spiritual gifts- my top three were ranked: mercy, pastor/shepherd, and evangelism. I remember the first time when i took that test i was kind of like- "?!??!" I am a 100% feeler- and with that comes the gift of tears. When i start crying....i cannot stop crying. I never saw it as a gift until one of my staff in China told me that it is as he has tried and tried to cry...but he can't.

Yesterday I broke down crying because 3 reasons. I needed to cry it out....it was awaiting- kind of like a waterfall awaiting to explode from the opening...
1) I missed my loved ones in Taiwan.
2) I hated being in New York
3) My future

Thanks for my thinker friend- she stood by my side till 5 am (btw- i am still jet lagged!) and listened, analyzed, and helped me see things in perspectives. There were no answers that came out of the convo- but I definitely feel stronger in approaching things. God is really good and he used last night to tell me some of the struggles that i still struggle with.....

i had only 2 hours of sleep....man....when is this jet lag going to recover!

new york- a new beginning. summer part 2!

2007-07-03T08:17:00.000-07:00

i'm back in new york city. how surreal. i'm in my apartment typing this while outside is a beautiful nyc day. the weather is slightly chilly but beautifully sunny! got a few phone calls today....good to talk to my friends in new york. trying to get this camera thing settled....but its not going anywhere...AHHHH! So, the plane ride to New York was pretty smooth. I slept the whole time. There was this weird moment when i woke up and my neighbor was looking at me....weird...so i turned my back towards him and kept on sleeping. hahaha....then Stan came to pick me up-i appreciate him so much. the guy gave up a Yankees game and was sick and had work the next day- but he came to pick me up. I'm going to have to cook him an AMAZINg dinner to thank him.

i miss taiwan and my loved ones....

but there are much to figure out being back in new york.
1) my future
2) church- get settled with church, serving and small group.
3) start really being plugged in with InterVarsity staff.
4) meet more ppl!

Calling.

2007-06-20T08:13:00.000-07:00

One violin artist at church one time in new york told me " some people have a burden for China, but you my dear, you have a calling."

What is that calling? I am almost 25 years old and i'm still confused about what i want in life. Here are some big goals
- I want to glorify God
- I want to be able to use my gifts that He has equipped me
- I want to be good at my job, but also enjoy the learning and hard times
- I want to honor my parents for giving me such great education and loan-free life.

what is it?
I am currently a social work student at a really good school and never ever have i felt this insecure before. I remember the whole first year grad school was multiple questioning about what i'm doing. is it right? is it really worth me putting so much money in? People always say "hahah- you are not in it for the money" its true...but what if i really do want to earn money to support myself, my sister, my parents? and one day be able to support a foundation that can go to remote areas....and really oversee and look and fund people?

Yes- I'm Isaiah 6- Dear Lord, send me. I'm defintiely a person that wants to go more then stay. BUT- maybe i'm wrong. maybe its because i have been sheltered for a long time and finally after being on my own for the first time in China- the passion i had was the first thing i wanted to pursue. However, i know that passion i have for China is not just a first time thingy- it stays. it aches. but what can i do to go back? I have been having so much fun doing ministry work in Taiwan- esp with the young high school teenagers. I look forward to the learning and experiences i shall have with InterVarsity for 07/09 as volunteer staff. I need more training in managing time while also be able to selectively spend quality time with girls. i enjoy one on one conversations more nowadays. There is more opportunity to be vulnerable and share.

So i have come up with some options for what i should be doing
- finish my second year in social work
- find a job that is NGO or profit or hospital (but i prefere the first 2 and NO nonprofits...i really don't get them)
- Go back to school? apply for scholarships because dad will not pay for this one. thought about international development, NGO administration, even thought about starting a whole new career- since i like creativity- thought about MBA in marketing/advertising, urban planning, architect, international human rights lawyer, development economist, professor and of course- EVEN....even the idea of going back to medical school.
- forget abo9ut all the above and just go to China....become a long term full time language student and immerse into the local culture. ...

What is it God? .....I pray for an answer!

Kending....paradise of Taiwan

2007-06-19T04:39:00.001-07:00

I always hear from others about how awesome Kending is. For those who don't know- Kending is the most southern part of Taiwan. It is known for the amazing beaches and coastline and the sunny weather- kind of like San Diegoish. Never did I know how amazing it really is.....I was very hesitant in going- because i was going to go with a bunch of people who most i didn't know or just met a few weeks ago....but it was fun. pretty healing. Some of the things I did this weekend
- watch "Night in the Museum" on the 5 star bus down from Taipei to Kaoshung. oh yeah- the bus departed at 5:00 am....
- shared about XJ to ppl on the bus and Rachel...i think i got Rachel and Joseph hooked...
- Was in the Bai Sha Wan (white sands)'s water for 4 hours....i kept on asking Luke "Luke, where's the waves?" :D diving into waves was absolutely awesome.
- Rode behind a scooter around the southern tip. Joseph is a good driver
- shoot firecrackers into the beach. at first it was kind of scary, but then me and rachel became addicted
- Slept on the floor at the hostel that reminded me of the China days with Rachel. We froze in the night.....barely got sleep and was afraid of roaches....hahah.
- Sea water remained in my hair for 2 days and 2 nights...
- Pineapple, Mango, Apple smoothie...yum.
- Me and Luke bottoms up with spoonfulls of green curry
- Rachel and me on the donut jet ski ride. it was amazing because we sat on a donut shaped floating balloon and the jet ski driver drove full speed and dragged us onto the sea.....he definitely made sure he did sharp edges...it was high.
- Meeting Joseph's brother who works at a very popular Italian restaurant. He was really nice!
- Love river talks
- The balloon artist guy and my penguin balloon
- talks late night :D

what a great trip. great friends, great memories, great food, great tan ^^, great ocean, great convos...yeah.

Its not always rosy and sparkly...sometimes life is tough. deal with it!

2007-06-14T02:02:00.000-07:00

I can't help but feeling weird lately. It could be due to the prolonged PMSing....or it could just be the fact that i'm leaving the beautiful island of Taiwan in 2 weeks and back to realistic fast pace new york or it could be that i'm having my future blues again....I actually don't understand why it happens to me so much (of course, i mean the last option)

Do you ever have conversations with people and you expect them to care a lot and talk more and just hang on with you during these bad and awkward moments- but they don't? They just keep on doing whatever they were doing before and just breeze through you with a general comment such as "don't worry...everything is going to be alright." or "God is in control"

I know that everything is going to be alright and that God uses those moments to reach/refine us- but can we really sometimes just sit there and listen to someone and sort out what they are saying and helping them step by step instead of saying things so general. I think I have become "less" general and more specific in things. Well, maybe i pick and choose. Not all topics are needed to be specific and not all topics are needed to be general. But when someone seems to be down, if i have the time, i would totally take the person out and just sit with them, sort through the ideas one by one. most of all- LISTEN. listen with the heart instead of the brian. be empathic and loving and TAKE the time (again- if you have THE time). While i write this, I have to be more like this too- to those around me. I have been feeling funky this week- and sometimes when you are the only one feeling weird and funky, not everyone can understand your level. and yes- sometimes you just have to run to God and ask that He be your listener. He is a pretty good listener.

I recently started to read a book a friend gave me called "Praying God's Words" by Beth Moore- the book goes through spiritual strongholds and each stronghold there are 5-8 pages of verses and prayers written out for ppl to say it out loud and break free from strongholds. I find it useful. Lately I have been king of overwhelmed by how much stuff i have in me- that needs to be prayed out.

I have so many dreams....I don't know if social work is a career i want to go on- but for now i want to do something powerful and useful. I'm not saying that social work is not- but i see some areas where there is a bigger need in ppl. International development has always been in my mind- but recently more has been developmental economics or even developmental sociology, race and ethnicity and such. Thats not it- realistically, i always thought about going into marketing- specifically advertising because i like being creative.....oh God, what should i do.....

My mother and i

2007-06-09T06:14:00.001-07:00

God really has blessed my relationship with my mother. We’ve had our rough times over the years- especially last year when I came home after being away from family for 4 years. There were a lot of conflicts, fights, and communication problems between my mother and me. So many times the conversation ended with raised voices and tears (well, tears for my part). I consistently lifted my feelings towards my mother to God- telling him that I do not like her at that moment- but I would ask God to give me a loving heart to love her. There were many reconciliation moments during our year together.

Now, my mom is getting ready to attend new believers class (8 classes) and is getting ready to be baptized in my home church in Taiwan in October. I remember back in 2003 when I first became Christian- I thought to myself- its going to take a lot for my mom to confess that Jesus is her personal savior. However, it takes God to break the hardest hearts and Abba did it for my mother- and continuously is breaking her. She still has a lot of past issues that she is not letting go- but praise God that she is opened in receiving His grace. We’ve had some really good conversations since I came back. Conversations that have been opened and blessed by God.

The first time I heard my mom say grace before a meal, I couldn’t help but feel emotional. From the words and tone she used, I could tell that she has waited for this moment for a long time- and finally her heart is found.

Rain Rain...Go away...Come again another day.

2007-06-08T09:06:00.000-07:00

Its raining cats and dogs in Taiwan right now. Its been raining since Tuesday....non-stop. Its not like those drizzly rain. Its been pouring and pouring. It stops and then starts pouring randomly- its the monsoon season....usually it hits in April but this year it is specially later...the whole global warming is really affecting the whole weather globally as we have been having unusual warm winters or extremely cold winters...whatever it is...we need to start protecting our environment more. We can start that by sorting out our garbage!

Today was another night at Friday Night Live. Today we talked about the parable of the weeds. I got to translate a lot more today for the bible study group. Since today we only had 2 teachers and 3 assistants- the high school group was split into the girls group and the boys group. the girls group was about 20-30 ppl....yeah...it was pretty crazy. but i got to know more girls today- it is overwhelming because you cannot divide your attention to too many ppl, but you try your best. Helen (from june 1st entry) and I had a pretty decent conversation today. When I saw Helen today I gave her a warm hi. I think Helen is not one of those girls who is use to physical affection. She is a bit more shy. I don't know- God really put her in my heart since last time so i was really excited to see her today. So, after bible study, some girls came to talk to me but i was busy trying to close the convo in order to find Helen so i can get her contact info- but she got me before i got her! So after that she told me about her not doing too well on math in school. I told her i will pray for her. She sounded hesitant and was still very concerned about how bad she is doing- then i told her about a verse that someone once gave me when i was stressed out about school (thanks BEN!)- Philippians 4:6-7 and she jotted every word down in her parable book and was opened about reading about it when she felt anxious (she said she always felt anxious!!) I observed her today (i don't usually observe ppl) and it was awesome how she seemed to have lightened up a lot- getting to know high school girls and when we said goodbye today, she smiled at me and i told her- Jia Yo! (add oil, or Be well!) and she said nodded and said "em!" :) cute

I also had a good time with Cynthia and Vicky today- we had ice cream by Tpe Main Station. I've decided to host these girls for their stay in new york- they all just graduated from high school- so its important for someone to take care of them. Cynthia is very mature for her age. we talked about the future, new york and Christianity. She seems very opened in learning about God- but she mentioned a very important point about how it is hard sometimes for Chinese people to completely abandon their roots of ancestral worshipping as it is so much of the Chinese culture. I understand what she is saying- i told her that i realize it is hard also. I pay respects to my ancestors and my grandparents who have passed away- but i don't worship. worship and paying respects are 2 very different things. Anyways- wish i could have talked to Cynthia more about this- but I look forward in getting to know her more.

All these friendships are just blooming. God seriously has blessed me with new friends- Christian or not- Rachel, Gabe, Joseph, Jessica, Ashley, April, Sabrina, Phil, Alby, Nic, Brenda, Mike, Veina, Helen, Jean, Cynthia and Vicky, Jason and all the other high school students I met along the way. Only less then a month left...i am actually scared of leaving now....this beautiful chapter that God has given me.

Disappointment. Frustration.

2007-06-03T22:35:00.000-07:00

I am kind of angry/disappointed/frustrated. Sometimes I think I am USED by my friends. I am not going to name the specific names- but i do wonder am I thinking too much? Some friends give me this funky vibe....and eventually- I do get hurt because I want to be great friends with everyone. However, I had a real good talk with my mom last night and I realized that in this world- there are going to be those who treat you differently then their other friends. Whether because they resent you, are jealous of you, dislike your personality, think you are not worthy, or just personality clash- whatever it is.....and it hurts me that sometimes people treat me differently....but i realized that there are two sides to this. its not my personality problem because i am who i am. but i shouldn't put unhealthy expectations on people. Again- i am reminded that today by some people.....ironically not in Taiwan, but back in New York- where i'm far away from.

Now i know.

That's what i'm talking about...!

2007-06-01T08:39:00.000-07:00

Wow. Tonight Friday Night Live was AWESOME!!! So, Friday Night Live is definitely a present from God for me in Taiwan. In the previous months I was always wondering why is it so hard to get an internship or a job- therefore, with a slightly defeated attitude in searching- i went back home in search for long needed rest and also just what to do next. In those anxious moments of impatience and waiting- God knew exactly my next steps- why i needed to go home to Taiwan and all for His kingdom.

So it all started up with me getting a phone call a few weeks ago from my old preschool. They knew i was back since i paid a visit to them a day before the phone call. the phone call was at 8:00 in the morning. Yes! i was awake by then because i usually take my sister everyday to school around 7:30 am!!! i know....and i'm on vacation?!?! hahaha. but that day one of the Foreign teachers, Lisa, was sick and she needed a sub for her level three preschool class. So, of course- wanting money- i took the job and she assured me that her level 3 class- 8 kids- was gonna be a piece of cake to sub. It did turn out to be awesome!! i had a lot of fun with the kids- and they were so cute! they were teaching me what to do and what their usual routines is and they even showed me their graduation show dance- which is THRILLER!!!! can you believe it- 8 five year olds will be dancing to thriller- so awesome. Anyways- the point is that that day when i was in the teacher's lounge getting prepped by Mike- i met Rachel. what a God sent!! I first found out she was from Nashville, TN! :D Southern pride. and then from the way she was talking- it sounded familiar. in my mind i was like- this girl, she has to be an evangelical Christian with a mission purpose here in Taiwan...and it turned out exactly what i was thinking!!!! even though we just met that day- we bonded like crazy. Both crazy about spreading the Gospel for Jesus. We shared testimonies that day and we just talked for quite a long time. Most of all- she told me about this group she was involved with on Friday nights. She told me that she was an English teacher for this Friday night event for high school girls- i was curious.

I love Taiwan- but I guess I never really felt strongly attached to wanting to evangelize at home. Home is home. Home is where i can just rest. Anyways- so with curiousity and also by the Holy Spirit and also after meeting Rachel once- i ended up going with Rachel that week to Friday Night Live. I had no idea it was hosted by Studio Classroom- which is a very well known, good reputation, popular magazine/radio station/TV show in Taiwan. They mainly teach ppl about English and English convo. I have heard that they are a Christian organization a long time ago. So i went in faith and just really wanting to know what/how God is working in Taiwan. MAAANNN- i was so amazed by what I saw and heard. There were SOOOO many ppl there. The place was packed and they started the night with worship. People were all singing to the worship songs (with movements) and it was really friendly. After praise and worship- it was time to split into groups. I naturally went with Rachel to the high school group- which was notoriously known as the roudy group with many teachers and students. We took up the whole basement and after an ice breaker- we all broke into smaller groups. That night I remember the topic was "people pleaser" which is such a huge thing in my life. I remember meeting a lot of girls that night and really loving my conversation with them. They were so friendly, opened and wanting to know more about me as i wanted to knwo about them. God stirred my heart that night. I guess i was just bewildered about how opened evangelism was in Taiwan - in comparision to certain other countries. After that- ive been going regularly and developing friendships with the High school girls

So tonight was pretty awesome because of MANY reasons- (here is the summarization person in me...)
1) Columbia friends- Alby, his brother, and Nic came out tonight. It was awesome to have them. So random though- i Only met Alby once also randomly at a party and the other two i met tonight. It was awesome getting to know/speak more with Alby and also to see how they all hit it off with the Taiwanese high school community. They ppl all lloved them and they loved all of them- it was so awesome to see that God was soooooo in works. I can't wait to see Nic being more involved with the group during his summer here in Taiwan!

2) Today we were talking about the parables of the sower from Matthew. Later on we split into 3 per group. My group extended into 5 ppl- but it was awesome because it was so divine. This girl named Helen who wore a green uniform (the best girl's high school in taiwan) sat with my best friend from elementary school - 2 of them with me formed a group. we started discussing what type of soil we were. My best friend was very honest in sharing that she is still searching and waiting for that moment ot happen. She was so opened and vulnerable when she was speaking. She is also opened in her heart as she wants to know God! this is my best friend since elementary school!!!! i need to pray for her :) Then Helen shared that she thought the Bible and the stories were fairytales- they could not be true. Then i started to share my part of where i think i am. I then began to tell Helen that i use to be that way- i use to tell myself that God is not real. If he is real, he would show me- that kind of challenge. But i was running out of time and I told them, well, if you want to hear my story, come find me after study!! so after study Helen faithfully came and approached me and Wendy happened to be next to me and I shared my complete testimony wtih them both. In the end, Helen looked intently and i could see God stirring in her something. My friend Wendy was already in goose bumps and really showed true enjoyment in hearing the story. Helen on the other hand told me how she hears a lot of these stories- but its not hers and she does not feel personal or passionate about it. However, God wanted me to tell her that Helen will have her own story and He is already writing it now and it will be something extraordinary and only designed for Helen. we all have our own stories and how God showed us His existance and love. Anyways- praise God!!!!!! He brings people to hear His story! I just need to pray more for these two women!

Anyways- that was a lot! :) but i wanted to jot it down before i forgot!!!
Praise God- this sorta stuff makes me so hyper! :)

Love...what a marvelous thing

2007-05-28T10:44:00.000-07:00

Today I watched a film called "The Holiday". I was trying to avoid watching lovey dovey chick flicks- so i watched hardcore movies such as Blood Diamond...etc. But, wow- i absolutely loved the movie. If you haven't seen it, please go see it! it really speaks to the heart. There were plenty of shedding tears part...i mean, come on, i cry to anything.

Another good book to read is "The Kite Runner"....also made me teary eyed. I spent a whole day sitting in one setting- the book was that good!

Anyways- this is dedicated to you out there...this poem from E.E Cummings from the movie "In Her Shoes"
For you
A poem by e.e. Cummings

I carry your heart with me.
I carry it in my heart.
I am never without it.
Anywhere I go, you go, my dear.
And whatever is done by only me...
is your doing, my darling.

I fear no fate...for you are my fate, my sweet.
I want no world, for, beautiful...
you are my world, my true.
Here is the deepest secret no one knows.
Here is the root of the root...
and the bud of the bud...
and the sky of the sky
of a tree called life...
which grows higher than the soul can hope..
.or mind can hide.
It is the wonder
that's keeping the stars apart.
I carry your heart.
I carry it in my heart.

thank you friend for reminding me about this poem today. read the poem with Ennio Morricone's Cinema Paradiso theme :)

Here, there, and everywhere.

2007-05-20T01:37:00.000-07:00

Today is Sunday and the sky has been pouring rain down like mad. It is weird since the first day I got home it has been nothing but sunny, hot and humid and now the weather has slightly "calmed" down- which is good! hahaha. But then again- I don't really like rain that much. Despite the fact that my name contains "blessed rain"- i still don't really want to associate myself with rain.

It has been a week and half since I came back to Taiwan. A lot of things has happened since then. Some are safe to publish, some are not- but overall, wow- God is faithful. I have moments where I can't help but feel sad that I won't be going to other places this summer. I do have the traveling itch...but I also am very tired of traveling to places- adapting, adjusting, and then leaving. Maybe i'm tired of these short term trips. I want to go longterm. I had a chance to go to Mombasa, Kenya this summer- but i surrendered it. I had a chance to go to Kashmir, India and Kuala Lumper, Malaysia- but also, no. I guess I just wanted one summer NOT raising support and starting to earn money and seek skills to build for my future. not to say that going out to these mission organizations won't teach me- but there are things i can learn without going to places. I got an interview with Safe Horizons in New York as a relief case manager for teenagers that suffer through substance abuse and prostitution. I hope to get that job because i for sure can see that as an extreme learning experience for me. Also- since i've been to new york- i haven't felt at home yet- so i look forward to really dig deep with my church in new york and once and for all- decide and start serving/growing with the church. I never really got to enjoy new york city when i was there....it was always internship, school, and homework and sometimes some fun with others....but now, when i go back- i will get the chance to experience the city.

but i don't know why- i can't help but think...i blew away a chance to go to all these amazing places....

amazing things has happened since i came back to Taiwan though.... i must say....i need to continuously ask God to reveal His plan for me.

Listen.

2007-05-17T00:16:00.001-07:00

Today's song- "Listen" by Beyonce (OST of Dream Girls)
Dreamgirls - Listen Lyrics

Listen,
To the song here in my heart
A melody I start
But can't complete

Listen, to the sound from deep within
It's only beginning
To find release

Oh,
the time has come
for my dreams to be heard
They will not be pushed aside and turned
Into your own
all cause you won't
Listen....

[Chorus]
Listen,
I am alone at a crossroads
I'm not at home, in my own home
And I've tried and tried
To say whats on my mind
You should have known
Oh,
Now I'm done believin you
You don't know what I'm feelin
I'm more than what, you made of me
I followed the voice
you gave to me
But now I gotta find, my own..

You should have listened
There is someone here inside
Someone I'd thought had died
Sooo long ago

Ohh I'm free now and my dreams 'll be heard
They will not be pushed aside or turned
Into your own
All cause you won't
Listen...

[Chorus]

I don't know where I belong
But i'll be movin on
If you don't....
If you won't....

LISTEN!!!...
To the song here in my heart
A melody I start
But I will complete

Oh,
Now i'm done believin you
You dont know what I'm feelin
I'm more than what, you made of me
I followed the voice, you think you gave to me
But now I gotta find, my own..
my own...

It really is a beautiful song. Beyonce has an amazing voice. I got watch Dream Girls before i left new york and was really impressed by the movie. i think i'm just overall a bit sick of chick flicks...i'm all about motivation, action, and most of inspirational movies. If you have not seen the movie yet- go see it. boys and girls- both!

Today i was last minute called to sub for a level three preschool class- i was scared for a bit in the beginning, but the students turned out to be so cute and so well behaved. its so weird having an english conversation with these kids as their native languages are all Chinese. they are all so cute. most of all- it makes me so happy to be able to see my old kids from last year- they still get really excited and scream "teacher Jalin!!" they have all grown so much and they all speak fluent English now :)

Consuming Fire

2007-05-16T05:31:00.000-07:00

Today's inspirational song- "Consuming Fire" by Tim Hughes

There must be more than this
oh breath of God come breath within
There must be more than this
Spirit of God we wait for you
Fill us anew we pray
Fill us anew we pray

Chorus:
Consuming Fire
Fan into flame
a passion for your name
Spirit of God
fall in this place
Lord have ur way
Lord have ur way
with us

Verse 2:
Come like a rushing wind
Fill us with power from on high
Now set the captives free
leave us abandoned to your praise
Lord let your glory fall
Lord let your glory fall

Just like the lyrics said, "there must be more then this"- just like the before i knew that God existed, i believe that there must be more then this dried up life....just like i knew when i was in China that there must be more then this- I want more. I forgotten about it and God seriously sent my dear sister Mingsha to remind me of His love and His beyond our understanding grace. I realized that I am dried up all throughout. Life has been great in New York, but "there must be more then this"

God, I ask for brokenness. I ask for brokenness and an open heart to see you.
God, I ask for consistency in prayer, quiet time, seeking your will. I need to trust that your will is way much better then my will and your will is perfect.