"Where are you going?"

These past few days I haven't been feeling too well- emotionally. I was again very dissatisfied with my life in New York. I felt yet again my heart was disconnected with my mind. I know the truth but I definitely did not feel like I knew. Today a friend of mine was used by God to speak truth into me. It felt so refreshing because I felt like my mind and my heart simultaneously got it. I knew God spoke because it was out of love in which I heard His voice.

I am again on my career fork road. If there was ever a term called "career commitment phobia" I probably have it. It totally has to do with myself moving here and there all my life. I always had control over what I wanted to do. Since I was little I wanted to be a doctor, so I studied hard in my math and sciences and eventually really took the lead in classes. When things didn't turn out well in college with pre-med, I decided to still keep on going...then I started to think of alternative roads, public health or social work. I choose social work because I wanted to do international social work- doing program development overseas with organizations such as the UN or World Vision. I never ever thought about being a clinician or psychotherapist...i didn't believe in labeling people. However, who knew that social work most of it was about clinical work. I had a really good but challenging time at my first year internship- which was a community health center doing psychotherapy with Chinese immigrants. My second year internship was at World Vision and it was good and challenging too. But I distinctively remember that I was a bit disappointed my second year because it wasn't what I expected it to be.

Now again- I am at a job and I feel the general itch of wanting to leave and what is next. Been torn between PhD or MD.....but really feeling lost during my work. The work place was a miracle by God's grace...in the midst of economy failure, finding a job is for sure a testimony....and definitely after the months i was trying to find a full time job.

In the end of the day, I realized that I have not really given up my own agenda to God. I always run things with knowing God will bless it. I always organize and plan my life out- without really letting God speak first. I am already filling out my life with this and that for the next step while I haven't really taken the time to sit and listen and wait on God. "Where are you going?" God patiently sits there and asks. I know where I'm going...but then I get confused because there is nothing backing my plans up other then my ADD mind.

Who am I? Instead of thinking what I should be doing, I should know what I should not be doing. I know that I am here in US because God has brought me time to stay in the US to continue to take me out of my comfort zone and to let me open my heart and relying on Him instead of myself. In the end, it is actually pretty freeing.

God is teaching me an important lesson

where do we go from here?

Sometimes I look at my schedule for the upcoming week and just feel a sense of structure that I do not necessarily like. I have a full time job that requires me to travel an hour to there and an hour to come back home. While I try not to pack up my week- it is already packed up yet again....prayer meeting this, meeting up with people this, and not even getting the time to go to the gym or take dance class or just chill....how do i do it? I don't really know.

I miss being a student because there was the freedom within the structure. You had classes and you were called to be a student and study. You had freedom in your time because you only had classes to go to while the other times you are free to do whatever- and of course...with your homework and reading and tests/presentations/projects in mind. And then you had summers and winters. it was that distinct....but now, I do not have that. When all the students that I know are graduating and finishing up their semester- I am still working....the every week routine. The routine is- Go to work, come home, go to work, come home...its pretty yucky. Where is the freedom with that?

Man, i need to count my blessings and realize how amazing it is to have a job right now in this economy. It is a blessing even though how little I get paid or how far the job is or how emotional draining it can be....it is kind of scary because since this job...i haven't really had the time or energy to dialogue with God like the way I use to. I don't really know if it is just me still adjusting or maybe it is even more. The job is definitely not my first top notch choice...its ok...it pays the bills...well barely. It reminds me when I went into the field of social work- it wasn't my top choice....but it was ok.....I do not want to live like this anymore. Something needs to happen. I don't want to always be in the "mmmm, its ok" stage. I want to be in the "a-ha! Praise God! AMEN!" stage. but again- maybe it is my own heart and flesh that is playing tricks on me on this. I often sit in my office and have the thought in my head "there must be more to life then this..." Yet again, God didn't bring me to a place where I would dread to go everyday...."its ok". God provided me a good supervisor and some great great coworkers. In the time being...."its ok"

I miss home terribly. I miss Taiwan and sometimes to be honest- I just want to be on the streets where I am not a different race but just be uniform with the people. When I go home to Taiwan...I truly feel like I blend in with the people and I love the culture in which there is more modesty, more sincere, and innocence in people. Again, NOT to say that US there is not that- but Taiwan still has that cultural aspect to it that I love. And hence, I also miss China sooo much. The people there are just so hospitable and its so easy to formulate community there because that is driven in them since forever....but even till this day in New York....the concept of community is a struggle for me. I like the definition of community in Asia...not so much here in the US- but again, "its manageable!"

Wow- just sounds like a lot of frustration, disappointment and questioning of why I am here in this season and stage. Uhhh...prayer prayer prayer.

A time of discernment...a time in the tunnel

Wow..i have not written in so long. hello hello! Cannot believe how long its been since i updated this blog. I have not forgotten you! i think i'm definitely gonna start regularly updating this thingy. its an interesting season I am in now. I think it is a season where I am forced finally...to be thinking about me....my journey with the Lord and not others. Its just me and God....now what?

to be continued.