"Where are you going?"

These past few days I haven't been feeling too well- emotionally. I was again very dissatisfied with my life in New York. I felt yet again my heart was disconnected with my mind. I know the truth but I definitely did not feel like I knew. Today a friend of mine was used by God to speak truth into me. It felt so refreshing because I felt like my mind and my heart simultaneously got it. I knew God spoke because it was out of love in which I heard His voice.

I am again on my career fork road. If there was ever a term called "career commitment phobia" I probably have it. It totally has to do with myself moving here and there all my life. I always had control over what I wanted to do. Since I was little I wanted to be a doctor, so I studied hard in my math and sciences and eventually really took the lead in classes. When things didn't turn out well in college with pre-med, I decided to still keep on going...then I started to think of alternative roads, public health or social work. I choose social work because I wanted to do international social work- doing program development overseas with organizations such as the UN or World Vision. I never ever thought about being a clinician or psychotherapist...i didn't believe in labeling people. However, who knew that social work most of it was about clinical work. I had a really good but challenging time at my first year internship- which was a community health center doing psychotherapy with Chinese immigrants. My second year internship was at World Vision and it was good and challenging too. But I distinctively remember that I was a bit disappointed my second year because it wasn't what I expected it to be.

Now again- I am at a job and I feel the general itch of wanting to leave and what is next. Been torn between PhD or MD.....but really feeling lost during my work. The work place was a miracle by God's grace...in the midst of economy failure, finding a job is for sure a testimony....and definitely after the months i was trying to find a full time job.

In the end of the day, I realized that I have not really given up my own agenda to God. I always run things with knowing God will bless it. I always organize and plan my life out- without really letting God speak first. I am already filling out my life with this and that for the next step while I haven't really taken the time to sit and listen and wait on God. "Where are you going?" God patiently sits there and asks. I know where I'm going...but then I get confused because there is nothing backing my plans up other then my ADD mind.

Who am I? Instead of thinking what I should be doing, I should know what I should not be doing. I know that I am here in US because God has brought me time to stay in the US to continue to take me out of my comfort zone and to let me open my heart and relying on Him instead of myself. In the end, it is actually pretty freeing.

God is teaching me an important lesson