Urbana 2009

breakthrough on its way.

I want to be a Mary in a Martha world

As I am at the Taiwan airport getting ready to leave home again for another journey back to New York- I can't help but say that God has shown me a lot in 2 weeks.

When I was trying to finish work back on Sept 9th and rushing to get home at 4:30- I called in the last minute to change my shuttle pick up time from 6:30 to hopefully 7:30. The lady was nice and she said there was a 7:00 pm pick up time available so I decided to go with that. While my roommate and my friend waved to me and gave me tremendous blessings as I hopped onto the shuttle bus, I heard a very gentle voice "hello!" I turned back and there were 2 guys sitting there. They were Asian. I was quite surprised because usually I go onto these shuttle buses or airplanes really just minding my own business 'cause afraid that people might think I am weird and also just too tired to talk as I am on "vacation" mode. But it turned out to be more then me... these 2 guys were National Taiwan University students who just finished their masters degree in USC. We all became friends since the first moment and they have come to pretty much every gathering that I have been going to since being back in Taiwan- now knowing all my friends here in Taipei- church or not. It is crazy. Both are definitely seekers and definitely openness. Having them connected with pastor KC and ENtaipei people was pretty cool....watching pastor KC talk to them, I really am amazed by God's divine appointment through all this. I almost was not going to be on that shuttle bus.....I called the shuttle bus at 5:00 to change... we all would have never met. Now some good Christians are connected with them and I really pray and look up to God that God loves people...

I think in the many lessons I have learned- I really have learned and also desire to be a Mary. I always thought that I was kind of like a Martha- but no, I AM a MARTHA. I live in NYC...which is SUPER DUPER Martha world.....i sometimes find myself crying because of doing this and that for what.... but now I know....i desire that inner quietness and peace...I want to lay my head at the feet of Jesus and be content. One of my mom's small group women after mediating a talk between me and my mom... woke up at 3 am to realize that she wanted to give a book to my mom about being still and hearing from God...but at the end it was for me. I am absolutely in awe to know that the Lord of creation is getting my tremendous attention just so I can come to His presence and spend time with Him. Me and my family got into a pretty intense conversation about China and just hta tmoment God brought 2 women from my mom's Bible study to come by to drop some gifts for me. While we were outside and I started to open up to share about what was going on....it started to drizzle... nobody knows this...but sometimes I see rain as a way of God letting me know "I AM RIGHT HERE".....I couldn't help but look up and be amazed that God is here....with me in this conversation and is with my family.

MARY MARY MARY. I want to be a Mary in a Martha world.

An encouragement :)

At church on Sunday while I was just minding my own business...one of the youth pastors whom I know came to me and said "it's good to see you today!" and I was surprised as I looked at him and he continued "I never know when God is going to whisk you away into missions"

that probably is the best affirmation encouragement i have heard since forever.
:)

thanks God!

Hosts and Guests

Today was one of those days that something just made me emotional... I was in training the whole day in midtown. While I was crossing the road to head to Borders to study for my licensing- I overheard a woman asking "excuse me, do you know the nearest supermarket?" I looked up from concentrating on my walking in the streets and this woman definitely was from the Middle East. She definitely looked like she was an auntie type and had her head covered- but not completely. I was just drawn to help her and I went up to her to let her know the nearest supermarket was on 2nd ave (we were on 1st ave). I walked alongside her and we had a conversation. She was a mother of 2 children, her son is a doctor at NYU and her daughter is also in NYC and just graduated from NYU. Her name was Fatimah. She was from Algeria. I got to share with her that I lived in Bahrain before and then she was telling me how she wanted her daughter to go to medical school in Sharjah. She gave me the most beautiful comment before we departed our ways "you are such a beautiful person and you are a whole person"- she kept on telling me that I should be a doctor and that I would make a wonderful doctor (but of course- i know that she probably is a fan of the profession because her son and daughter are both doctors). We parted with "God bless you" and "Ma'Salama" (goodbye). I was very very joyful that I got to meet Fatimah today.

Today during the women's bible study we were studying about Hosts and Guests.

TBC...

Surrender.

I surrendered someone really important to me this past Sunday. This person who has been in my mind for a couple of months already. I mean, this person has always been in my heart- but just recent few months much much more. I think I came to a point where I was like "enough is enough" to my own heart. I wait...I wait...but I think I am waiting for the wrong person, wrong time, wrong things....Anyways, its challenging as I keep on everyday giving it up to God....I know now the Holy Spirit has invaded and is taking over. When I start to wander....the Holy Spirit gives an alarm to my heart. Thank you God. Thank you Holy Spirit.

So, I surrender.

This is for you....my beloved people group.

I have been thinking a lot about them lately....of course every summer when this time comes around...i start to think about them...because it seems 3 out of the last 4 summers i have been in Northwest China. Its hard to imagine a summer without them in my life. Lately I have been dreaming and seeing a lot more about my beloved people over there and I wanted to write about them and the things I miss and hope that one day very soon in the future I shall be there again....joining in the midst of the people there..

Everyday I woke up, I had my window curtains a bit opened and I would see bright blue sky that was outside. It would be around 6:30 am or 7:00 am and waking up to that bright blue sky was amazing. It made ANYONE want to wake up. When open up the window, the wind and air is so crisp and overlook the beautiful city....not like radiant like the big metropolitan- but beautiful and unique in its own way.

My favorite part was walking this typical walk from the hotel to the mosque. It never changes- it will be a street packed with vendors that sold Nan bread and different nan bagels, burnt smell of kebabs, wooden trolleys of watermelons and sweet melons, little vendors that sowed and patched shoes or bags up that cost nothing then 10 cents, cars and bikes and motercars and people crossing the road...

The beautiful mosque...that I probably took it way for granted. Massive amount of people hanging out outside of the mosque, homeless men and women sitting on the steps of the mosque in search of food or mercy from others....

I loved the memory of my date with my roommate in summer 2008. We took lunch off and let her take me to her favorite restaurants. It was definitely a special time of hanging out. We walked to this amazing restaurant and had pumpkin dumplings and dumpling soup along with tasty tea. Then we walked to the people square in which we got some yummy ice cream. My roommate kindly forced me to try it and I realized that it was really really good....I am lactose intolerant, but we had a good time.

I miss having the never ending days- as the sun will go down around 8 or 9 pm. I miss seeing the sun go down. I miss the dry heat and the breezy mornings when I had to run and get stuff for people....

Everyday there seemed like my fast pace life and time stopped. I felt like I was there finally living in the present and I barely cared about the future. Time stopped....and it was good.

I hope that the day I return will be soon....

"Where are you going?"

These past few days I haven't been feeling too well- emotionally. I was again very dissatisfied with my life in New York. I felt yet again my heart was disconnected with my mind. I know the truth but I definitely did not feel like I knew. Today a friend of mine was used by God to speak truth into me. It felt so refreshing because I felt like my mind and my heart simultaneously got it. I knew God spoke because it was out of love in which I heard His voice.

I am again on my career fork road. If there was ever a term called "career commitment phobia" I probably have it. It totally has to do with myself moving here and there all my life. I always had control over what I wanted to do. Since I was little I wanted to be a doctor, so I studied hard in my math and sciences and eventually really took the lead in classes. When things didn't turn out well in college with pre-med, I decided to still keep on going...then I started to think of alternative roads, public health or social work. I choose social work because I wanted to do international social work- doing program development overseas with organizations such as the UN or World Vision. I never ever thought about being a clinician or psychotherapist...i didn't believe in labeling people. However, who knew that social work most of it was about clinical work. I had a really good but challenging time at my first year internship- which was a community health center doing psychotherapy with Chinese immigrants. My second year internship was at World Vision and it was good and challenging too. But I distinctively remember that I was a bit disappointed my second year because it wasn't what I expected it to be.

Now again- I am at a job and I feel the general itch of wanting to leave and what is next. Been torn between PhD or MD.....but really feeling lost during my work. The work place was a miracle by God's grace...in the midst of economy failure, finding a job is for sure a testimony....and definitely after the months i was trying to find a full time job.

In the end of the day, I realized that I have not really given up my own agenda to God. I always run things with knowing God will bless it. I always organize and plan my life out- without really letting God speak first. I am already filling out my life with this and that for the next step while I haven't really taken the time to sit and listen and wait on God. "Where are you going?" God patiently sits there and asks. I know where I'm going...but then I get confused because there is nothing backing my plans up other then my ADD mind.

Who am I? Instead of thinking what I should be doing, I should know what I should not be doing. I know that I am here in US because God has brought me time to stay in the US to continue to take me out of my comfort zone and to let me open my heart and relying on Him instead of myself. In the end, it is actually pretty freeing.

God is teaching me an important lesson

where do we go from here?

Sometimes I look at my schedule for the upcoming week and just feel a sense of structure that I do not necessarily like. I have a full time job that requires me to travel an hour to there and an hour to come back home. While I try not to pack up my week- it is already packed up yet again....prayer meeting this, meeting up with people this, and not even getting the time to go to the gym or take dance class or just chill....how do i do it? I don't really know.

I miss being a student because there was the freedom within the structure. You had classes and you were called to be a student and study. You had freedom in your time because you only had classes to go to while the other times you are free to do whatever- and of course...with your homework and reading and tests/presentations/projects in mind. And then you had summers and winters. it was that distinct....but now, I do not have that. When all the students that I know are graduating and finishing up their semester- I am still working....the every week routine. The routine is- Go to work, come home, go to work, come home...its pretty yucky. Where is the freedom with that?

Man, i need to count my blessings and realize how amazing it is to have a job right now in this economy. It is a blessing even though how little I get paid or how far the job is or how emotional draining it can be....it is kind of scary because since this job...i haven't really had the time or energy to dialogue with God like the way I use to. I don't really know if it is just me still adjusting or maybe it is even more. The job is definitely not my first top notch choice...its ok...it pays the bills...well barely. It reminds me when I went into the field of social work- it wasn't my top choice....but it was ok.....I do not want to live like this anymore. Something needs to happen. I don't want to always be in the "mmmm, its ok" stage. I want to be in the "a-ha! Praise God! AMEN!" stage. but again- maybe it is my own heart and flesh that is playing tricks on me on this. I often sit in my office and have the thought in my head "there must be more to life then this..." Yet again, God didn't bring me to a place where I would dread to go everyday...."its ok". God provided me a good supervisor and some great great coworkers. In the time being...."its ok"

I miss home terribly. I miss Taiwan and sometimes to be honest- I just want to be on the streets where I am not a different race but just be uniform with the people. When I go home to Taiwan...I truly feel like I blend in with the people and I love the culture in which there is more modesty, more sincere, and innocence in people. Again, NOT to say that US there is not that- but Taiwan still has that cultural aspect to it that I love. And hence, I also miss China sooo much. The people there are just so hospitable and its so easy to formulate community there because that is driven in them since forever....but even till this day in New York....the concept of community is a struggle for me. I like the definition of community in Asia...not so much here in the US- but again, "its manageable!"

Wow- just sounds like a lot of frustration, disappointment and questioning of why I am here in this season and stage. Uhhh...prayer prayer prayer.

A time of discernment...a time in the tunnel

Wow..i have not written in so long. hello hello! Cannot believe how long its been since i updated this blog. I have not forgotten you! i think i'm definitely gonna start regularly updating this thingy. its an interesting season I am in now. I think it is a season where I am forced finally...to be thinking about me....my journey with the Lord and not others. Its just me and God....now what?

to be continued.