I surrendered someone really important to me this past Sunday. This person who has been in my mind for a couple of months already. I mean, this person has always been in my heart- but just recent few months much much more. I think I came to a point where I was like "enough is enough" to my own heart. I wait...I wait...but I think I am waiting for the wrong person, wrong time, wrong things....Anyways, its challenging as I keep on everyday giving it up to God....I know now the Holy Spirit has invaded and is taking over. When I start to wander....the Holy Spirit gives an alarm to my heart. Thank you God. Thank you Holy Spirit.
So, I surrender.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Monday, June 15, 2009
This is for you....my beloved people group.
I have been thinking a lot about them lately....of course every summer when this time comes around...i start to think about them...because it seems 3 out of the last 4 summers i have been in Northwest China. Its hard to imagine a summer without them in my life. Lately I have been dreaming and seeing a lot more about my beloved people over there and I wanted to write about them and the things I miss and hope that one day very soon in the future I shall be there again....joining in the midst of the people there..
Everyday I woke up, I had my window curtains a bit opened and I would see bright blue sky that was outside. It would be around 6:30 am or 7:00 am and waking up to that bright blue sky was amazing. It made ANYONE want to wake up. When open up the window, the wind and air is so crisp and overlook the beautiful city....not like radiant like the big metropolitan- but beautiful and unique in its own way.
My favorite part was walking this typical walk from the hotel to the mosque. It never changes- it will be a street packed with vendors that sold Nan bread and different nan bagels, burnt smell of kebabs, wooden trolleys of watermelons and sweet melons, little vendors that sowed and patched shoes or bags up that cost nothing then 10 cents, cars and bikes and motercars and people crossing the road...
The beautiful mosque...that I probably took it way for granted. Massive amount of people hanging out outside of the mosque, homeless men and women sitting on the steps of the mosque in search of food or mercy from others....
I loved the memory of my date with my roommate in summer 2008. We took lunch off and let her take me to her favorite restaurants. It was definitely a special time of hanging out. We walked to this amazing restaurant and had pumpkin dumplings and dumpling soup along with tasty tea. Then we walked to the people square in which we got some yummy ice cream. My roommate kindly forced me to try it and I realized that it was really really good....I am lactose intolerant, but we had a good time.
I miss having the never ending days- as the sun will go down around 8 or 9 pm. I miss seeing the sun go down. I miss the dry heat and the breezy mornings when I had to run and get stuff for people....
Everyday there seemed like my fast pace life and time stopped. I felt like I was there finally living in the present and I barely cared about the future. Time stopped....and it was good.
I hope that the day I return will be soon....
Everyday I woke up, I had my window curtains a bit opened and I would see bright blue sky that was outside. It would be around 6:30 am or 7:00 am and waking up to that bright blue sky was amazing. It made ANYONE want to wake up. When open up the window, the wind and air is so crisp and overlook the beautiful city....not like radiant like the big metropolitan- but beautiful and unique in its own way.
My favorite part was walking this typical walk from the hotel to the mosque. It never changes- it will be a street packed with vendors that sold Nan bread and different nan bagels, burnt smell of kebabs, wooden trolleys of watermelons and sweet melons, little vendors that sowed and patched shoes or bags up that cost nothing then 10 cents, cars and bikes and motercars and people crossing the road...
The beautiful mosque...that I probably took it way for granted. Massive amount of people hanging out outside of the mosque, homeless men and women sitting on the steps of the mosque in search of food or mercy from others....
I loved the memory of my date with my roommate in summer 2008. We took lunch off and let her take me to her favorite restaurants. It was definitely a special time of hanging out. We walked to this amazing restaurant and had pumpkin dumplings and dumpling soup along with tasty tea. Then we walked to the people square in which we got some yummy ice cream. My roommate kindly forced me to try it and I realized that it was really really good....I am lactose intolerant, but we had a good time.
I miss having the never ending days- as the sun will go down around 8 or 9 pm. I miss seeing the sun go down. I miss the dry heat and the breezy mornings when I had to run and get stuff for people....
Everyday there seemed like my fast pace life and time stopped. I felt like I was there finally living in the present and I barely cared about the future. Time stopped....and it was good.
I hope that the day I return will be soon....
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
"Where are you going?"
These past few days I haven't been feeling too well- emotionally. I was again very dissatisfied with my life in New York. I felt yet again my heart was disconnected with my mind. I know the truth but I definitely did not feel like I knew. Today a friend of mine was used by God to speak truth into me. It felt so refreshing because I felt like my mind and my heart simultaneously got it. I knew God spoke because it was out of love in which I heard His voice.
I am again on my career fork road. If there was ever a term called "career commitment phobia" I probably have it. It totally has to do with myself moving here and there all my life. I always had control over what I wanted to do. Since I was little I wanted to be a doctor, so I studied hard in my math and sciences and eventually really took the lead in classes. When things didn't turn out well in college with pre-med, I decided to still keep on going...then I started to think of alternative roads, public health or social work. I choose social work because I wanted to do international social work- doing program development overseas with organizations such as the UN or World Vision. I never ever thought about being a clinician or psychotherapist...i didn't believe in labeling people. However, who knew that social work most of it was about clinical work. I had a really good but challenging time at my first year internship- which was a community health center doing psychotherapy with Chinese immigrants. My second year internship was at World Vision and it was good and challenging too. But I distinctively remember that I was a bit disappointed my second year because it wasn't what I expected it to be.
Now again- I am at a job and I feel the general itch of wanting to leave and what is next. Been torn between PhD or MD.....but really feeling lost during my work. The work place was a miracle by God's grace...in the midst of economy failure, finding a job is for sure a testimony....and definitely after the months i was trying to find a full time job.
In the end of the day, I realized that I have not really given up my own agenda to God. I always run things with knowing God will bless it. I always organize and plan my life out- without really letting God speak first. I am already filling out my life with this and that for the next step while I haven't really taken the time to sit and listen and wait on God. "Where are you going?" God patiently sits there and asks. I know where I'm going...but then I get confused because there is nothing backing my plans up other then my ADD mind.
Who am I? Instead of thinking what I should be doing, I should know what I should not be doing. I know that I am here in US because God has brought me time to stay in the US to continue to take me out of my comfort zone and to let me open my heart and relying on Him instead of myself. In the end, it is actually pretty freeing.
God is teaching me an important lesson
I am again on my career fork road. If there was ever a term called "career commitment phobia" I probably have it. It totally has to do with myself moving here and there all my life. I always had control over what I wanted to do. Since I was little I wanted to be a doctor, so I studied hard in my math and sciences and eventually really took the lead in classes. When things didn't turn out well in college with pre-med, I decided to still keep on going...then I started to think of alternative roads, public health or social work. I choose social work because I wanted to do international social work- doing program development overseas with organizations such as the UN or World Vision. I never ever thought about being a clinician or psychotherapist...i didn't believe in labeling people. However, who knew that social work most of it was about clinical work. I had a really good but challenging time at my first year internship- which was a community health center doing psychotherapy with Chinese immigrants. My second year internship was at World Vision and it was good and challenging too. But I distinctively remember that I was a bit disappointed my second year because it wasn't what I expected it to be.
Now again- I am at a job and I feel the general itch of wanting to leave and what is next. Been torn between PhD or MD.....but really feeling lost during my work. The work place was a miracle by God's grace...in the midst of economy failure, finding a job is for sure a testimony....and definitely after the months i was trying to find a full time job.
In the end of the day, I realized that I have not really given up my own agenda to God. I always run things with knowing God will bless it. I always organize and plan my life out- without really letting God speak first. I am already filling out my life with this and that for the next step while I haven't really taken the time to sit and listen and wait on God. "Where are you going?" God patiently sits there and asks. I know where I'm going...but then I get confused because there is nothing backing my plans up other then my ADD mind.
Who am I? Instead of thinking what I should be doing, I should know what I should not be doing. I know that I am here in US because God has brought me time to stay in the US to continue to take me out of my comfort zone and to let me open my heart and relying on Him instead of myself. In the end, it is actually pretty freeing.
God is teaching me an important lesson
Sunday, May 17, 2009
where do we go from here?
Sometimes I look at my schedule for the upcoming week and just feel a sense of structure that I do not necessarily like. I have a full time job that requires me to travel an hour to there and an hour to come back home. While I try not to pack up my week- it is already packed up yet again....prayer meeting this, meeting up with people this, and not even getting the time to go to the gym or take dance class or just chill....how do i do it? I don't really know.
I miss being a student because there was the freedom within the structure. You had classes and you were called to be a student and study. You had freedom in your time because you only had classes to go to while the other times you are free to do whatever- and of course...with your homework and reading and tests/presentations/projects in mind. And then you had summers and winters. it was that distinct....but now, I do not have that. When all the students that I know are graduating and finishing up their semester- I am still working....the every week routine. The routine is- Go to work, come home, go to work, come home...its pretty yucky. Where is the freedom with that?
Man, i need to count my blessings and realize how amazing it is to have a job right now in this economy. It is a blessing even though how little I get paid or how far the job is or how emotional draining it can be....it is kind of scary because since this job...i haven't really had the time or energy to dialogue with God like the way I use to. I don't really know if it is just me still adjusting or maybe it is even more. The job is definitely not my first top notch choice...its ok...it pays the bills...well barely. It reminds me when I went into the field of social work- it wasn't my top choice....but it was ok.....I do not want to live like this anymore. Something needs to happen. I don't want to always be in the "mmmm, its ok" stage. I want to be in the "a-ha! Praise God! AMEN!" stage. but again- maybe it is my own heart and flesh that is playing tricks on me on this. I often sit in my office and have the thought in my head "there must be more to life then this..." Yet again, God didn't bring me to a place where I would dread to go everyday...."its ok". God provided me a good supervisor and some great great coworkers. In the time being...."its ok"
I miss home terribly. I miss Taiwan and sometimes to be honest- I just want to be on the streets where I am not a different race but just be uniform with the people. When I go home to Taiwan...I truly feel like I blend in with the people and I love the culture in which there is more modesty, more sincere, and innocence in people. Again, NOT to say that US there is not that- but Taiwan still has that cultural aspect to it that I love. And hence, I also miss China sooo much. The people there are just so hospitable and its so easy to formulate community there because that is driven in them since forever....but even till this day in New York....the concept of community is a struggle for me. I like the definition of community in Asia...not so much here in the US- but again, "its manageable!"
Wow- just sounds like a lot of frustration, disappointment and questioning of why I am here in this season and stage. Uhhh...prayer prayer prayer.
I miss being a student because there was the freedom within the structure. You had classes and you were called to be a student and study. You had freedom in your time because you only had classes to go to while the other times you are free to do whatever- and of course...with your homework and reading and tests/presentations/projects in mind. And then you had summers and winters. it was that distinct....but now, I do not have that. When all the students that I know are graduating and finishing up their semester- I am still working....the every week routine. The routine is- Go to work, come home, go to work, come home...its pretty yucky. Where is the freedom with that?
Man, i need to count my blessings and realize how amazing it is to have a job right now in this economy. It is a blessing even though how little I get paid or how far the job is or how emotional draining it can be....it is kind of scary because since this job...i haven't really had the time or energy to dialogue with God like the way I use to. I don't really know if it is just me still adjusting or maybe it is even more. The job is definitely not my first top notch choice...its ok...it pays the bills...well barely. It reminds me when I went into the field of social work- it wasn't my top choice....but it was ok.....I do not want to live like this anymore. Something needs to happen. I don't want to always be in the "mmmm, its ok" stage. I want to be in the "a-ha! Praise God! AMEN!" stage. but again- maybe it is my own heart and flesh that is playing tricks on me on this. I often sit in my office and have the thought in my head "there must be more to life then this..." Yet again, God didn't bring me to a place where I would dread to go everyday...."its ok". God provided me a good supervisor and some great great coworkers. In the time being...."its ok"
I miss home terribly. I miss Taiwan and sometimes to be honest- I just want to be on the streets where I am not a different race but just be uniform with the people. When I go home to Taiwan...I truly feel like I blend in with the people and I love the culture in which there is more modesty, more sincere, and innocence in people. Again, NOT to say that US there is not that- but Taiwan still has that cultural aspect to it that I love. And hence, I also miss China sooo much. The people there are just so hospitable and its so easy to formulate community there because that is driven in them since forever....but even till this day in New York....the concept of community is a struggle for me. I like the definition of community in Asia...not so much here in the US- but again, "its manageable!"
Wow- just sounds like a lot of frustration, disappointment and questioning of why I am here in this season and stage. Uhhh...prayer prayer prayer.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
A time of discernment...a time in the tunnel
Wow..i have not written in so long. hello hello! Cannot believe how long its been since i updated this blog. I have not forgotten you! i think i'm definitely gonna start regularly updating this thingy. its an interesting season I am in now. I think it is a season where I am forced finally...to be thinking about me....my journey with the Lord and not others. Its just me and God....now what?
to be continued.
to be continued.
Thursday, December 25, 2008
A Christmas Dream
From Dec 25 Devotional "Streams in the Desert"
A number of years ago a remarkable Christmas card was published by the title "If I had not come," in John 15:22. The card pictured a minister falling asleep in his study on Christmas morning and then dreaming of a world into which Jesus had never come.
In his dream, he saw himself walking through his house, but as he looked, he saw no stockings hung on the chimney, no Christmas tree, no wreaths of holly, and no Christ to comfort and gladden hearts or to save us. He then walked onto the street outside, but there was no church with its spire pointing toward heaven. And when he came back and sat down in his library, he realized that eveyr book about our Savior has disappeared.
The minister dreamed that the doorbell rang and that a messenger asked him to visit a friend's poor dying mother. He reached her home, and as his friend sat and wept, he said, "I have something here that will comfort you." He opened his Bible to look for a familiar promise, ut it ended with Malachi. There was no gospel and no promise of hope and salvation, and all he could do was bow his head and weep with his friend and his mother in bitter despair.
Two days later he stood beside her coffin and conducted her funeral service, but there was no message of comfort, no words of a glorious resurrection, and no thought of a mansion awaiting her in heaven. There was only "dust to dust, and ashes to ashes," and one long, eternal farewell. Finally he realized that Christ had not come, and burst into tears, weeping bitterly in his sorrowful dream.
Then suddenly he awoke with a start, and a great shout of joy and praise burst from his lips as he heard his choir singing these words in his church nearby:
O Come, all ye faithful, joyful and triumphant,
O come ye, O come ye to Bethlehem!
Come and behold Him, born the King of Angels,
O come let us adore Him, Christ the Lord!
This is my Christmas revelation- thank you God.
A number of years ago a remarkable Christmas card was published by the title "If I had not come," in John 15:22. The card pictured a minister falling asleep in his study on Christmas morning and then dreaming of a world into which Jesus had never come.
In his dream, he saw himself walking through his house, but as he looked, he saw no stockings hung on the chimney, no Christmas tree, no wreaths of holly, and no Christ to comfort and gladden hearts or to save us. He then walked onto the street outside, but there was no church with its spire pointing toward heaven. And when he came back and sat down in his library, he realized that eveyr book about our Savior has disappeared.
The minister dreamed that the doorbell rang and that a messenger asked him to visit a friend's poor dying mother. He reached her home, and as his friend sat and wept, he said, "I have something here that will comfort you." He opened his Bible to look for a familiar promise, ut it ended with Malachi. There was no gospel and no promise of hope and salvation, and all he could do was bow his head and weep with his friend and his mother in bitter despair.
Two days later he stood beside her coffin and conducted her funeral service, but there was no message of comfort, no words of a glorious resurrection, and no thought of a mansion awaiting her in heaven. There was only "dust to dust, and ashes to ashes," and one long, eternal farewell. Finally he realized that Christ had not come, and burst into tears, weeping bitterly in his sorrowful dream.
Then suddenly he awoke with a start, and a great shout of joy and praise burst from his lips as he heard his choir singing these words in his church nearby:
O Come, all ye faithful, joyful and triumphant,
O come ye, O come ye to Bethlehem!
Come and behold Him, born the King of Angels,
O come let us adore Him, Christ the Lord!
This is my Christmas revelation- thank you God.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
A New Beginning II
Today I saw an old friend and was reminded to finish up my post from a while back!
Anyways! Gosh. so much has happened since I wrote my last post. So, I've officially moved into my new apartment for a month and half. It has been a wonderful haven for me. My roommates are amazing women of God. They are both from my church in New York. One is on the worship team and is an amazing prayer warrior and the other one is committing into full time youth ministry with the church and is also another awesome prayer warrior. We have had moments where we prayed, chatted, vegged and not see each other for a few days thingy. I love my living situation.
Job and vocational stuff. I came back and knew that this phase of life was going to be hard. It has been SOOO hard. don't get me wrong. I often times want to just break down and cry. About the uncertainty of tomorrow, the next week, the next months and stuff.. I often times really want to take control of my life...i often times am SOO impatient with not hearing back and this whole waiting waiting waiting phase. tick tock tick tock....
I started job hunting since mid September, but only went full core when I moved into my new apartment at the beginning of October. I only had my first interview starting from the end of October. I sent out probably around nearly 100 resumes and cover letters and only heard back from 5 organizations. out of the 5, 2 have already rejected me. another one i am pretty positive i will not take, that leaves 2, one which i already had my 2nd round interview and another one in which i have my phone interview tomorrow with. The one i already had my 2nd round interview is the one that I really truly want. I prayed to God in the end of September for what kind of job I wanted and I was specific....and this job pretty much contains everything I asked for. the 2nd interview went really well but at the very end when they said "we will notify you within 2 weeks- we still are interviewing others..." my heart completely SUNK. How long do i have to fight this battle of the unknown...i'd seriously rather take an exam then do these interviews...i like to see results...FAST. but this is not.
Anyways- so many people are praying along with me on this job. I started to wonder, what if this job is not for me? I haven't really got a chance to discuss with them the visa situation...what if we are all praying for the wrong door? I start to think about plan B- which is another job (that means i have to keep on sending resumes...but i really have come to a stopping point...things are starting to look tasteless and boring) or plan c- go back home to Taiwan. I don't want to go back home to Taiwan yet- but I have been thinking about it more and more everyday. Letting my expectations of job to go....but shouldn't I proclaim the promises of the Lord?
This whole job thing has really immobilzed me in many things. I was reminded again about staffing...i think i get reminded of it at least once each week. I keep on thinking that once I get the job, then I can go all the way with volunteer staff- but I have found it to be so fruitful in meeting up with students individually and listening to their stories and struggles and praying with them. Do i have to be an official staff member to serve and to do the Lord's work? I have no title right now- but I feel like i'm investing as much as i can- those individual 4 hour convos have been so amazing. That application is still sitting on my desk top...i guess i am ultimately NOT a multi-tasker. I can only focus on one thing- JOB search that I completely forgot about filling out and praying and discerning about student ministry.... aiya aiya!
who knows what tomorrow brings.
my year's verse is Hebrews 12:1-2
Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, le us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily hinders our progress. And let us run with endurance the race that God has set before us. We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, on whom our faith depends form start to finish.
who knows what will happen. but i am going to be faithful
Anyways! Gosh. so much has happened since I wrote my last post. So, I've officially moved into my new apartment for a month and half. It has been a wonderful haven for me. My roommates are amazing women of God. They are both from my church in New York. One is on the worship team and is an amazing prayer warrior and the other one is committing into full time youth ministry with the church and is also another awesome prayer warrior. We have had moments where we prayed, chatted, vegged and not see each other for a few days thingy. I love my living situation.
Job and vocational stuff. I came back and knew that this phase of life was going to be hard. It has been SOOO hard. don't get me wrong. I often times want to just break down and cry. About the uncertainty of tomorrow, the next week, the next months and stuff.. I often times really want to take control of my life...i often times am SOO impatient with not hearing back and this whole waiting waiting waiting phase. tick tock tick tock....
I started job hunting since mid September, but only went full core when I moved into my new apartment at the beginning of October. I only had my first interview starting from the end of October. I sent out probably around nearly 100 resumes and cover letters and only heard back from 5 organizations. out of the 5, 2 have already rejected me. another one i am pretty positive i will not take, that leaves 2, one which i already had my 2nd round interview and another one in which i have my phone interview tomorrow with. The one i already had my 2nd round interview is the one that I really truly want. I prayed to God in the end of September for what kind of job I wanted and I was specific....and this job pretty much contains everything I asked for. the 2nd interview went really well but at the very end when they said "we will notify you within 2 weeks- we still are interviewing others..." my heart completely SUNK. How long do i have to fight this battle of the unknown...i'd seriously rather take an exam then do these interviews...i like to see results...FAST. but this is not.
Anyways- so many people are praying along with me on this job. I started to wonder, what if this job is not for me? I haven't really got a chance to discuss with them the visa situation...what if we are all praying for the wrong door? I start to think about plan B- which is another job (that means i have to keep on sending resumes...but i really have come to a stopping point...things are starting to look tasteless and boring) or plan c- go back home to Taiwan. I don't want to go back home to Taiwan yet- but I have been thinking about it more and more everyday. Letting my expectations of job to go....but shouldn't I proclaim the promises of the Lord?
This whole job thing has really immobilzed me in many things. I was reminded again about staffing...i think i get reminded of it at least once each week. I keep on thinking that once I get the job, then I can go all the way with volunteer staff- but I have found it to be so fruitful in meeting up with students individually and listening to their stories and struggles and praying with them. Do i have to be an official staff member to serve and to do the Lord's work? I have no title right now- but I feel like i'm investing as much as i can- those individual 4 hour convos have been so amazing. That application is still sitting on my desk top...i guess i am ultimately NOT a multi-tasker. I can only focus on one thing- JOB search that I completely forgot about filling out and praying and discerning about student ministry.... aiya aiya!
who knows what tomorrow brings.
my year's verse is Hebrews 12:1-2
Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, le us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily hinders our progress. And let us run with endurance the race that God has set before us. We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, on whom our faith depends form start to finish.
who knows what will happen. but i am going to be faithful
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